... it was funny to me....

Uwe said:

See, he even works on his lunch break!

Click to expand...

Maybe he should have a pay rise

an extra biscuit

Two great white sharks were swimming in the ocean when they spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"


No need to thank me . I just try to learn something new every day.

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.



"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.



Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"



"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

The man said “You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "So I had to kill him with the chair."

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you.....

If you do this.....



... I... hate... you.

Don'tcha wish you had a forklift handy? Pull in from the other side (where there isn't even a car parked!) pick that brodozer up, and move it where it belongs (and I'll leave that destination to people's imagination).

Jef said:

If you do this.....

Click to expand...

Wow, didn't know there was a 15HP version of the Type RT sticker. Needed that last weekend... was down 12% MAF due to altitude.

Uwe said:

brodozer

Click to expand...

LOL... stealing this.

Jason

Uwe said:

Don'tcha wish you had a forklift handy? Pull in from the other side (where there isn't even a car parked!) pick that brodozer up, and move it where it belongs (and I'll leave that destination to people's imagination).

Click to expand...

You don't need a forklift. Two trolley jacks will work just as good for taking out the trash.....

vreihen said:

You don't need a forklift. Two trolley jacks will work just as good for taking out the trash.....

Click to expand...

hehe - one works with a small car:

Dad had 3 car parks outside his Boat Dealership. One Friday night, we wanted to put the chains up, but a car was parked there, and we didn't know whose it was. We put a jack under the rear diff, and moved it backwards onto the road. We put the chains up, and left it like that.

I don't know what happened - maybe the owner came back later and cursed us... or maybe the shop over the road saw it first - Cop Shop

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Q: Why is everyone in New York City always so depressed?

A: Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!


(For those who are not from around these parts, NYC is linked to NJ by several tunnels under the Hudson River. As for NJ, it is the target of many a joke.)

vreihen said:

Q: Why is everyone in New York City always so depressed?

A: Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!


(For those who are not from around these parts, NYC is linked to NJ by several tunnels under the Hudson River. As for NJ, it is the target of many a joke.)

Click to expand...

Uwe said:

Click to expand...

Uwe: the pic screams "CONTEXT"!! What's the back-story (and it begs the question - where does America end)?