Humor Is The Best Medicine ... Part 1 of 6

[lykuno]

Hello fellow Uwe's Bar patrons! I had considered adding this compilation of jokes to the great "it was funny to me" thread here, but this exhaustive collection really deserves a dedicated thread. I accumulated these jokes over a number of years, largely from a 2A-related website I used to hang out. I've sorted them into 6 parts, mainly so I could print them up for friends, neighbors and my dentist (who really likes to tell and listen to jokes). Parts 2 through 6 will be submitted in separate posts, since I need to do a lot of time-consuming (re)formatting before they're presentable to post here. Without further ado, here's Part #1 ...

Humor Is The Best Medicine … (Part 1 of 6)​

Life After ...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary, Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Phoenix, Arizona."


Last Harley Ride ...

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,

"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,

"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I’ve ever seen.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."



Fishing …

One day, two guys Frank and Bob were out fishing.

A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Frank then said, “Gee Bob, I didn’t know you had it in you!”

Bob then replies, “It’s the least I could do. After all, I was married to her for 30 years.”



City Girl ...

Stacey, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, OK?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later the artificial insemination man arrives. Stacey takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one, right here."

Impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Stacey explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

As she walks away she tells him, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."



On The Road ...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


Kung Fu Oy Vey ...

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."



Good ol' Sniffer ...

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over it and the aisle.

The passenger/observer is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"


Dogs or Women? ...

Thirty reasons why men should have dogs and not wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



Charm School ...

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz"

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you, when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School ? "the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my Word! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"


Testicle Disorder ...

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at
least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could
easily rupture.”

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."



London Pub …

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphys Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to ye, that ye’re from Ireland.”
The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might ye be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!
Mother Mary and begora. And what street did ye live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would ye have been going?”
The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Marys, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did ye graduate?”
The other bloke answers, Well, now, lets see. I graduated in 1964.
The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can ye believe it, I graduated from St. Marys in 1964 my own self!”

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”


100 reasons it's good to be a guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store (or tackle shop).
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*ck it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.


Fidelity Test ...

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me….It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was always bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo… And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’


The moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!


It's The Thought That Counts ...

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house "

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it any more because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious. Thank you."



Talking Dog ...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar!

He never did any of that!”’


An Honest Lawyer ...

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

"I know," the old man sighed, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. Suppose the Egyptians were right. I'd like to have something with me, just in case."

His three advisors looked at each other in silent wonderment.

"So," continued the old man, "I am giving each of you an envelope containing $100,000.00 in cash. I would be deeply grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that cash is useful, I'll have a nest egg for eternity."

They each solemnly agree to carry out his last wishes.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of his three advisors were seen slipping their envelopes into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor, becoming quite emotional, turned to the other two and said, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest, a tear in his eye, said: "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our small church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."

Fixing his sternest gaze on the doctor and the priest, the lawyer, shaking his head in disgust, said, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn promises to our dear old friend and benefactor."

The lawyer, pointing an accusing finger at the doctor and priest, said: "I want you both to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full $100,000.00!"


Tiffany's ...

A LADY WALKS IN TO TIFFANY'S. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL GOLD BRACELET AND GOES OVER TO INSPECT IT. AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS. VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE 'OOPS', AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER. GOOD LOOKING AS WELL AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S.

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY?

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET?'

HE REPLIED, "MADAM, IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOU'RE GOING TO S**T WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE.



Prayers ...

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks
pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen


Irish Fight ...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face
is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life ...

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the a-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!



Rookie Salesman ...

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’


Puntastic ...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Things You Should Have Learned By Now ...

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don't worry about what people think; most don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You should not weigh more than your refrigerator.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.


A Riddle ...
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is
a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as
you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot pass it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?


Answer:
Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so damned
much!


"Ba-Dum-Bum-CHING" ...

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A Flat Minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

It's frustrating when you know all the answer but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.



Man Down! ...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

That's him, there in Aisle 5.



A few little known facts ...

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

4. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

5. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

6. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

7. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home......What the...?)

8. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

9. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

10. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

11. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to do.)

12. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

14. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

15. A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

17. Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

18. Polar Bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'd live a lot longer.)

19. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)



A Lawyer's Story ...

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?



Golf Club …

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages
the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?



Flies ...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



The Skeleton ...

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."



New York Blond ...

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome
young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a
bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Free Sex ...

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales .
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My WIFE won twice last week.


Bar Humor ...

A guy was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman sat beside him, so he leans over to her and says, "You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."


Old Cinderella ...

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"I bet "NOW" you're sorry you neutered me."


Who is Jack Schitt? ...

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt



Important Things To Think About ...

1. Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

2. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone.

3. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

4. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

6. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

7. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

8. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

9. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me? Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

10. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

11. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.

12. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

13. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

14. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

15. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

16. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

17. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching.

18. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

19. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait-I guess that's like a regular window.

20. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

21. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then, I got curious about it. And I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.

22. Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.



The Math Professor ...

A 50 year old math professors wife got home from shopping and found a note on her pillow. She opened it and it was from her professor husband. It said, "Dear Doris, I cannot go on like this and have decided to leave you. By time you read this I will be in the Bahamas with my 18 year old co-ed. Sorry. Bob."

So, as Bob is entering his room at the hotel in the Bahamas, he finds a note on his bed. He opens it and it says, "Dear Bob, I too can no longer go on like this and I am leaving you. By the time you get this I will be in Mexico with my 18 year old pool boy that you hired. And as a math professor you do understand that 18 goes into 50 more time than 50 goes into 18. Doris."



English is confusing ...

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse ..

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this…

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.& nbsp; We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP; you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP !

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U – P



Ordering Pizza ...

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How in the world do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHATTTTTTT................... ....?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others .....I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
It expired 6 weeks ago….



If Only ...

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, " B I T C H! "
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day : If only men would listen!!!!!


Best Lover? ...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for sex education!!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


Lady Rancher ...

A successful rancher died and left everything
to his wife. She was a
very good-looking woman, and determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching. So, she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was very
effeminate and obviously gay.
The other was a drunk. She thought long and
hard about it, and when no
one else applied, she decided to hire the gay
guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the
drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. The two of them worked
well together and the ranch
was doing very well, so one day the rancher's
widow said to the hired
hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You
should go into town and enjoy yourself"

The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. He eventually returned around two-thirty
and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly
called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she
said. Trembling, he did as she
directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so,
slowly. "Now, take off my
stockings" He did. "Now take off my skirt" He
did too. "Now take off my
bra" Again, with trembling hands he did as he
was told. "Now" she said,
"take off my panties". He slowly pulled them
down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever
wear my clothes to town
again, you're fired!"


See Me ...

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Deaf Mute Golfer ...

A deaf mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole, hands one of the players a card that says “I am a deaf mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”

The guy that gets the card is a total jerk, shakes his head no, and points the deaf mute to go back and wait his turn.

A few holes later the jerk is standing in the fairway and gets hit in the head by a golf ball.

In excruciating pain and pissed off, he turns around and sees the deaf mute holding up four fingers.



An Englishman ...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that
leprechaun sure is an ugly little *******!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his **** off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."


Finding Jesus ...

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



Texas ...

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and
discovered a man ready to jump. "Stop," he yelled,
"Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of
value on the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the bitch."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

The Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"


The Magician ...

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f........... ship?



Three Words ...

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."



The Confession ...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each
of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."



Donation ...

Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".


Senility ...

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget
to zip down."


Seniors at the Mercedes Dealer ...

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price.
Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price.
See you later Dad. Happy Father's day!




No Sex Since 1955 ...

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."

(Gotta love military time!)



Pest Control ...

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a
complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied..
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,......... "Those little
bastards."


Sportsman's Double ...

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he'd ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and were off to her place. When they arrived at her place they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs…

“Mom… you still awake?”



Natural Laws ...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to it's location.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll be sick.



The Fortune Teller ...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke.



Are You A Real Pilot? ...

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'


Pondering ...

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word were misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?
Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?


Golf Course? ...

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"



The Dilemma ...

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about your whole life.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming u p with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.


Lawyers ...

So ... alongside the Interstate stood a mid 30's male hitchhiking and waiting for a ride on a midsummer day. A Porsche Boxster slides to a stop and the beautiful blonde woman driver in her sundress asks "Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies "No". She puts the car in gear and quickly drives off.

After another long period of time along comes another woman, this time a younger dark-haired woman in a top-down Corvette who stops abruptly and asks him again "Are you a lawyer?" Again the guy answers "No", only to be left in a cloud of dust and exhaust as she leaves two strips of rubber from the back tires as she roars off.

Again the guy is standing in the heat and sun for what seems an interminable period of time ... and then a beautiful and shapely redheaded woman in a bikini driving a Mercedes convertible screeches to a halt and asks "Hey, are you a lawyer?" This time our hapless friend replies "Yes". She says "Hop in". He jumps in the passenger seat. He begins to survey her carefully noting her considerable attributes up and down. She looks over and asks "What are you looking at?" He replies "Well, I have been a lawyer for about 5 minutes now and I am already thinking about fu%&ing somebody".



Old Age ...

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond out back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball
court, etc. The pond was properly shaped with a pier and beach for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for quite a while to look it over. As he neared the pond he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women, clothes on the beach, skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence. They all swam quickly to the deepest part of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We are not
coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!!!


Somewhere West of the Pecos ...

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a
table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."


The Art Collector ...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day.

Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."


The Lawyer ...

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.

The agent asked: "How many children do you have?”

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.


More Lawyers ...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


Last Kiss ...

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.



Juggling ...

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line...

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."


How to satisfy a woman ...

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time ...

Show up ... naked.



Blonde Speeder ...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’


Sleeping in the barn ...

A redneck, a preacher, and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer said, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?" The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama. I can take it." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?" The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me." An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.


What to you want to be? ...

The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"i want to be Kevin's hooker"


Learning to cuss ...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.


WHACK! …

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"


A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but
will grab whatever is available.

AND . . .

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


A Drunk's Story ...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman! The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa,..........go home!'


Didja see that?!!!

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"



Milk Bath ...

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"


Cold Winter? ...

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!


Proper Grammar ...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine! You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


The Lone Ranger ...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaimed," So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"..."In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days." "Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away. Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse," but we will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The following morning the Indian Chief said:" You are indeed a man of many talents," "But we will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone." The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...."BRING P-O-S-S-E!"


Yugo and Rolls Royce ...

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!"



It's His Turn ...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK, I can't parallel park-----------you do it, you smug S.O.B."


The Barbershop ...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut"?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2 hours"

The guy left, but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "how

long before I can get a haircut"? The barber looked around at the shop and

said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left and again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long

before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,

'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,

but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up,

wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'



It's A Monk's Story ...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?'

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car...

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you because you're not a monk'.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.....
.
.
.
.
.
.... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



Golf Balls ...

A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...

”Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


Manure. An interesting fact ...

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) ,…. “So it’s really not a swear word” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

And you probably did not know the true history of this word and neither did I....

I had always thought it was a golfing term!



Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping ...

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."



Bitch, Bitch, Bitch ...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news..

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'


Corruption Case ...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


Young Attorney's vacations ...

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


Dear Son Letter...

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom


Irish Nuns ...

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya bloody little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?



Reason For Buying A Car ...

In a small town, the night watchman was making his evening
rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two
little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.
One said, "Heavens no, we bought it today."

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away?"
The other said, "We don't know how to drive."

He said, "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd
get screwed, so we're just waiting."



Big People Words ...

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words, " she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!

"She then asked Mitchell what he had done?

"I took a ride on a choo-choo "

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words.

" She then asked little Alex what he had done?

"I read a book, " he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL! " the teacher said. "What book did you read? "

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the Sh!t."



Rooster Bells ...

Brittany was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Clyde was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Clyde's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Brittany's amazement, old Clyde had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Brittany was so proud of old Clyde she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Clyde the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Clyde has was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Be careful. You can't always hear the bells.


Two Views ...

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at
the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later , he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere
else He fell asleep; I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a one-foot putt?



The Duck Hunter ...

A guy from New Jersey went hunting one day in New York and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like people from New Jersey.

The game warden ordered the guy to show his hunting license, and the guy from Jersey pulled out a valid New York hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from New York, This is a Pennselvanya duck. You got a Pennselvanya huntin' license, boy?"

The guy from New Jersey reached into his wallet and produced a Pennselvania hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Pennselvaina duck, This duck's from Rhode Island. You got a Rhode Island license?" The guy from New Jersey reached into his wallet and produced a Rhode Island hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Rhode Island duck. This here duck's from Massachuess. You got a Massachuess huntin' license?" Again the guy from New Jersey reached into his wallet and brought out a Massachuess hunting license

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the newfie "Just where the hell are you from?"

The guy from New Jersey turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."



Crisco ...

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard a**."



Why you never question a drunk ...

She was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, She said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how
on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly’....


Cough it up ...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 quarters to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce lawyer.’





Thoughts From High School ...

Analogies, Similes and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. "Oh, Jason, take me! she panted, her chest heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



Disorder in the courts ...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: ???
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



Amazing Parrot ...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

'DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'



Ole and Sven ...

Ole & Sven are on vacation in Texas and walk by a store window with the sign, 'Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 a pair.' Ole says to his pal, 'Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all da dumb Yermans up dere, and make a fortune!' Ole continues, 'Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay?

Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us.

Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know'. Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, 'Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?'

'Vell yah,' says a surprised Ole 'How'd you know dat?'

The owner replies, 'Cause this here's a dry-cleaners.'



Caught ...

Justin pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he had his first sexual encounter.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Justin recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."


The Lawyer ...

A father told each of his 3 sons. As he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Next, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.



Men -- Deep Thinkers ...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.



Bad Legs ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,“May I buy you a cocktail?”

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."


Not Happy ...

I got into a slight accident the other day when I ran into the rear bumper of a car in front of me.

We both pulled over and a dwarf got out of the car I hit and upon inspection of the damage to his car he said "well I'm not happy" so I asked him which dwarf he was.


Disney No No ...

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”

Donald frowned and said, “No..”

Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.

“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”

“Thit No!” Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”


Irish Humor ...

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost to late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later, he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy starts to tell his story of the trees in the road, when the officer stops him mid-sentence and says,

"Begorra Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"



Girls Night Out ...

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take
off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend
however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon
from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself
with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and
said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife
came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card
stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said 'From all of us
at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."



The woman with the glass eye ...

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies ... 'You just happened to catch my eye.'


Another woman with a glass eye ...

A woman with a glass eye was married to a man with a nasty disposition. The husband would punish her for having dinner late to the table or if the house cleaning wasn't spotless. His punishment was to take her glass eye and lock it in a password protected safe.

One day while the husband was at work, her mother came to visit her. The wife had burned one of his shirts while ironing it the previous day. Her mother asked "What's with the eye patch? Where's your glass eye?".

The wife replied "I burned one of his shirts yesterday and he punished me by taking my eye and locking it in the safe.". Her mother said "Why not just open the safe and take your eye back?".

"I would mom, but I don't know the wife eye password."


Without Glasses ...

Soon after their last child left home for college, the husband was resting next to his wife on the couch with his head in her lap. She then carefully removed his glasses and said, “You know, honey," she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

“Honey," he replied, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"



Groan! ...

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to put him down."
"What, c'mon, just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom
or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother,
Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

19. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"
asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor. "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Bored Old Ladies ...

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded

by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement."


The Jumper ...

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed?


Things you can say on Thanksgiving Day ...

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready


How to Make a Woman Happy...

All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
47. respectful
48. sweet
49. strong
50. skillful
51. supportive
52. sympathetic
53. tolerant
54. understanding
55. someone who loves shopping
56. someone who doesn't make problems
57. someone who never looks at other women
58. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
59. are neither jealous nor disinterested
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend
more time with them than with her
61. give her space, but show interest and concern
in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
62. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday

However, even if you observe the above instructions
perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will
be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the
suffocating perfection of her life with you and run
off with the first wild *******-bohemian-drunk-bon
voyeur she meets...

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Let him play with your boobs!


Parrots ...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

And it's the thought that counts ...

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house "

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it any more because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious. Thank you.


Blondes ...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas, With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full
potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general ..... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** sitting
on your knee.


The Car Accident ...

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and literally torn from his body. He was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! "But," his doctor said, "the insurance companies don't cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic."

Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the "small" version, $6,500.00 for the "medium," and $14,000.00 for the "whopper."

The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.

Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.

As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.

A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient's room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Doctor.

The man somberly answered, "She decided that she'd rather use all of the money to remodel the kitchen!"


Secret to a long happy marriage ...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again, and my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started an angry protest about the dead mule and she looked at me and quietly said,

'That's once.' And we've lived happily ever after."



Avocados ...

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk"

He replied, "They had avocados."



Let's go fishin' ...

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the
following conversation takes place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be
able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my
wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man! You both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the
fourth guy hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about whatyou had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it down, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."



Do You Have A Vagina? ...

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

Do you have vagina".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"



Near Death Experience ...

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"


Lexophilia ...

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.



Sex! ...

Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with you partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both
say, "**** you".

The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


Words Matter ...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock on his door. Two sheriff’s deputies are there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says, “sure” and shows him a photo of his spouse.

The deputy says, “I’m very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck!”

The guy says, “ I know but she has a great personality and she’s an excellent cook."


Men vs Women …

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill,out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.



Blonde Cop ...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."



More Blondes ...

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......???

----------------------------------------------------------------

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?
" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!
" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know - - -
We're going at night!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off??

----------------------------------------------------------------

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond.-"They're watch dogs!"


Having a Bad Day? ...

Just remember, it could be worse. ..
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?



The Irish Daughter ...

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a big hug!"



Opening at the Zoo ...

A man responded to an ad for an opening at the zoo.

Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla.

They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts.

So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts.

"Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door.

He panicked. There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!"

The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, "Will you be quiet! You're going to get both of us fired!

Blond and Sad ...
A kindly woman noticed that her across the street blonde neighbor was crying.

Walking over she asked why. "My Mom died", said the blonde"

The lady made coffee and sat to talk until she calmed the blonde.

The next morning the blonde was crying again. The kindly neighbor went back to her, "Why are you crying today?" she asked.

"I just had a call from my sister", she said. "Her Mom died too."



The Difference Between Men and Women ...

A guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


Kind Words ...

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation
members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"



Last Request ...

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"


Alberta Cowboy ...

A successful rancher near Red Deer died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house rather than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.
" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand
Finally he returned at two-thirty,
and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired!"



A Man Retires ...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses to himself. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares deeply into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "My GOD!" he blurted out.

"You've built a Golf Course, too?!"



The New Bird ...

A man goes into a pet store looking for a bird. Looking around he noticed that all the birds were reasonably priced at just $5. each. But, way in the back he saw this little ugly bird with a sign that read $139.95. Inquisitively, the guy asked the store clerk why this little ugly bird was priced so much higher than the others. The clerk stated that this was a special bird which could sing and talk. So the guy said, "Well, I believe I'll take the bird. Wrap him up and I'll be on my way. “The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "This bird you sold me didn't talk or sing." The clerk asked, "Did he peck on his little bell?" The guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little bell!" The clerk said, "You like your music. You've got a stereo system. The little bird needs his music, too, so he pecks his little bell and makes his own music." "How much are little bells?" the guy asks. "Little bells are $6." the clerk says. So the guys pulls out $6. and goes back home with the little bell for the bird.

The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "I took the little bell you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he rang his little bell and then just looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang." The clerk asked, "Did he climb up his little ladder?" The guy looked shocked again, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little ladder!" The clerk said, "You need your exercise. The bird needs his, too, so he climbs up his little ladder for exercise." "How much are little ladders?" the guy asks. "Little ladders are $22." the clerk says. So the guys pulls out $22. and goes back home with the little ladder for the bird.

The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "I took the little ladder you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage next to the little bell. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he climbed up his little ladder, rang his little bell and then just looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang." The clerk asked, "Did he look in his little mirror?" The guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the little bird needed a little mirror!" The clerk said, "You look in your mirror each morning. The bird needs to look in his little mirror each morning to make sure he is well groomed." So the guys says, "Give me a little mirror." and goes back home with the little mirror for the bird. The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "I took the little mirror you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage beside the little ladder and little bell. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he climbed his little ladder, looked in his little mirror and rang his little bell. Then he just sat there and looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang." The clerk asked, "Did he swing on his little swing?" Again, the guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little swing!" The clerk said, "Of course. Your bird has to have a little swing to swing on." "How much are little swings?," the guy asks. "Little swings are $29." the clerk says. So the guys pulls out $29. and goes back home with the little swing for the bird.

The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "The little bird you sold me died this morning." This time it was the clerk that looked shocked, "Oh, my God! What happened?" I took the little swing you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he looked in his little mirror, climbed about halfway up his little ladder and rang his little bell and then climbed onto the little swing you sold me. Then all of a sudden he just keeled over and died. But, just before he died, I think I heard him ask, "Don't they sell bird seed?"



Acetaminophen ...

Acetaminophen drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!



Pets ...

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'

Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'

And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'

And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.


So You Think You Know Everything ...

What about these things?...

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll bet you're going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes)! (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in " dous ", tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are saying it ...... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. (but who really cares?)

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Al Capone 's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

THERE! ... Now you know everything!



Need Help ...

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night, about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse; then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine’s mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?



Stock Market ...

Todays stock report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.



Understanding Engineers ...

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor
said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague
and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into
a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


Missing Wife ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer

At this point the husband started choking up. . .

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.


School Assignment ...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."


Another Rabbit Story ...

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

“Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight – lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world,” he told them.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” the rabbit replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”



The Benefits of Rye Bread ...

Two old guys, one 90 and one 97, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 97-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 90-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 97-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 90-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me.



Red Neck Indicators ...

Yes, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a redneck when..

1 You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it

8 You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat

12... Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.


Nude Marathon ...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he
quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's
annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others,
about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged
closer.. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... just when it's raining!'



Arrrggghhhh ...

A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

”How did you get the peg-leg?” the man asks.

“We were in a storm at sea,” replies the pirate. “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, and a shark bit off my leg.”

“Wow!” says the man. “What about your hook?”

“We were boarding an enemy ship,” the pirate explains, “and we were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand.”

“Incredible!” says the man. “What happened to your eye?”

“A seagull pooped in it,” replies the pirate.

“You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?” the man asks.

The pirate shrugs. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.”



Golfing With The Wife ...

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."


New Drink ...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?"

The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."

The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"

The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."



Beware of Dog ...

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, "Danger" Beware of the dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that`s him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn`t help but be amused. "that certainly doesn`t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."



Sally and Fluffy ...

Sally was a middle-aged beachcomber bag lady, and her only friend was her cat Fluffy that lived with her in their driftwood house.

One day Sally discovered an old brass bottle half buried in the sand and proceeded to shine it up. Suddenly out burst a Genie. He said he had been trapped in the bottle for 3,000 years, and for each 1,000 years he would grant her a wish.

Well she thought for a long time and finally made up her mind. She said her first wish would be a big house on the beach, with a clear and free title. There was a great flash and lots of smoke, and when it cleared, there was the house of her dreams. She grabbed Fluffy and ran to see the inside of the house.

The Genie told her she had two remaining wishes, so she thought it over and said she would need a never ending supply of cash to live and keep the house up. There was another great flash and there on the floor was a large pile of cash.

The Genie said she had one remaining wish, so she thought long and hard. She came to the conclusion that the one thing missing in her life was a man that loved her as much as her cat Fluffy did. She told the Genie to make Fluffy into a Chippendales dancer that would love her forever. There was another great flash, and there in front of her was Fluffy fully transformed into the man of her dreams!

Sally couldn't believe it! She asked" Fluffy...is that really you?"

He answered "Yes Sally my love, it really is.....Now aren't you sorry you had me fixed!!!"


Poor Jane ...

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said,

"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.



Sweet Revenge ...

For decades, two nude heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the nude female statue turned to the nude male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."


Raisin Bread ...

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin' "


The Husband Store ...

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love
kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the ! Lord, love
kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the
housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch
your step as you exit the building, and have a nice
day!


The Penis Study ...

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's
Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they
concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was
to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own
study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the
reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.


Too Critical? ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Puzzy Katz ...

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir,"
how are you?

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate time of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?


Farmer's Pet ...

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCKY.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES."

I AM SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW
ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED
THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED
AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN
TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY
COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT,"
WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL,
AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN!"


Words With Two Meanings ...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female! .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.< BR>

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-__expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest __expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as l ong as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


The Trucker ...

AS A PENNSYLVANIA TRUCKER STOPS FOR A RED LIGHT, A BLONDE CATCHES UP. SHE JUMPS OUT OF HER CAR, RUNS UP TO HIS TRUCK, KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.

THE TRUCKER LOWERS HIS WINDOW, AND SHE SAYS, "HI, MY NAME IS HEATHER, AND YOU ARE LOSING SOME OF YOUR LOAD."

THE TRUCKER IGNORES HER AND PROCEEDS DOWN THE STREET. WHEN THE TRUCK STOPS FOR ANOTHER RED LIGHT, THE GIRL CATCHES UP AGAIN. SHE JUMPS OUT OF HER CAR, RUNS UP AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. AGAIN, THE TRUCKER LOWERS HIS WINDOW. AS IF THEY'VE NEVER SPOKEN, THE BLONDE BRIGHTLY SAYS, "HI, MY NAME IS HEATHER, AND YOU ARE LOSING SOME OF YOUR LOAD."

SHAKING HIS HEAD, THE TRUCKER IGNORES HER AGAIN AND CONTINUES DOWN THE STREET. AT THE THIRD RED LIGHT, THE SAME THING HAPPENS AGAIN. ALL OUT OF BREATH, THE BLONDE GETS OUT OF HER CAR, RUNS UP, KNOCKS ON THE TRUCK DOOR, THE TRUCKER LOWERS THE WINDOW. AGAIN SHE SAYS, "HI, MY NAME IS HEATHER, AND YOU ARE LOSING SOME OF YOUR LOAD."

WHEN THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN THE TRUCKER REVS UP AND RACES TO THE NEXT LIGHT. WHEN HE STOPS THIS TIME, HE HURRIEDLY GETS OUT OF THE TRUCK, AND RUNS BACK TO THE BLONDE. HE KNOCKS ON HER WINDOW, AND AS SHE LOWERS IT, HE SAYS, "HI, MY NAME IS KEVIN, IT'S WINTER IN PENNSYLVANIA, AND I'M DRIVING THE SALT TRUCK!"


Lawyer and the Blonde ...

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to
take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really
easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily
win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only
$5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone
with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally
gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


Tastes Like Chicken? ...

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."


World's Smartest Computer ...

A well known university had just completed installation of what was felt to be the most leading edge computer in the world. As might be expected, a number of senior members of the faculty were pushing back against the change.

The administration decided it might help if the computer were "introduced" to skeptical faculty members by inviting them to interact with the computer. Someone suggested that a YouTube video should be made in order to publicize the event, thought by all to be a good idea.

At the appointed time, the faculty group was ushered into the room. The operator told the group about all the enhancements that could be brought to campus life by advancing technology, etc., etc.

Eventually he invited someone from the faculty group to volunteer and ask the computer a question. After a lot of hesitation, an old, gruffy professor asked, "Where is my father?"

It it's synthesized voice "Your father is trout fishing in Montana" replied the computer.

"AHA" shouted the professor, "My father has been dead for 20 Years!" The operator, slightly puzzled, suggested that the professor phrase the question a little differently.

A bit triumphantly, the professor asked, "Where is the husband of my mother?"

The computer, "The husband of your mother has been dead for 20 years. However, your father is still trout fishing in Montana."


Sex, yes, no, maybe? ...

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
--To m Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams


The Urinal ...

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift.



If the shoe fits ...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all
watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on
how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool
Whip on the side....
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart.
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home...
28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars
worth of improvement...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratchier
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hanging?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth
and you take them out to see what it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny


Irish Ghost Story ...

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

“Look, Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'


Pet Diaries ...

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies! and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


Old Cowhand ...

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local
sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy
wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of
the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail
and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's
tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the
saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think
I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em"


Speeding Ticket ...

The police officer stopped a car for speeding and approached the driver. “May I see your license, Sir?”
“I don’t have a license officer, I lost it after my 5th DUI.”
“Alright, let me see your registration.”
“I don’t know where that is, Sir, you see I stole this car, and didn’t notice any registration in the glove box when I put my gun in there.”
“There is a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir, it’s the one I used to kill the lady that owned this car. The one I have stuffed in the trunk.”
“You have a body in the trunk?”
”Yes Sir, it’s in there with my wife’s body.”
Upon hearing all of this, the officer calls for back up and his supervisor and five other officers surround the car. The officer explains what had happened and the Supervisor approached the man. “Let me see your license.”
The man provides his license and registration, which both are valid.
They search the trunk and glove box and find nothing out of the ordinary.
The supervisor said, “I don’t understand, the officer that stopped you said you didn’t have a license, had stolen the car, had a gun in the glove box, and two bodies in the trunk.
The driver said,
“I’ll bet that lying son of a b----- said I was speeding too!”


LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"


The Difference ...

A guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


Grandpa and the IRS ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


A Quiz ...

The answers are at the bottom, don't cheat.
This is a quiz for people who know everything! These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers...

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls ... The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.


Pet Fish?

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.


Ooops!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."


Irish Logic ...

The wife came home early and found her husband in
their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

'You disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you
do this to me - a faithful
wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce!'

And Paddy (for it was he) replied 'Hang on just a
minute luv, so at least I
can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the
last words you'll say to
me!'

And Paddy began - 'Well, I was getting into the car
to drive home and this
young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so
down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her
into the car. I noticed that she was
very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten
for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her
home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she
needed a good clean-up I
suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I
noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't use because you say they
are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use
because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for
Christmas that you don't use
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't use because someone at
work has the same pair.'

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - 'She
was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the
door she turned to me with
tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your
wife doesn't use?


Needs a Push ...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


Texting ...

DEAR NEIGHBOR:

Hi, George. This is Steve, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Steve

NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:

George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Steve dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Steve.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, George. Steve here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.


Peanuts ...

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus-load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them'.


Mail Carrier's Last Day ...

It was mailman George’s last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he’d had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.'”

“Breakfast was my idea.”


Ear Hair ...

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you' re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.


Life Backwards ...

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.


The Bill ...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you
might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're
too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a
rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they
only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate,
the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and
a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains
the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains
the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager
replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man
replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives
up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it
to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for
$50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00
for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and
you could have.'


Computer Wars ...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES


Math Question ...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then little Tony says, "I have a question for you.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which little Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking"


The Good Wife Guide ... (This was not a joke in 1961, but that was then!)

The Good Wife Guide

This is an actual excerpt from a Home Economics textbook printed in 1961.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a little lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare a light fire for him to unwind by.

Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Minimize all noise. At the time of arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.

Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his.

Never complain if he comes home later or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relaxed. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints or problems. Don't complain if he is later for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor to what he might have already gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes.

Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have little hobbies of your own, try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the world outside in a positive manner.

Once you have both retired to the bedroom to prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being too obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers, wait until he is asleep, as this can be shocking to a man at night.


New Career ...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he
decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of
the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."


Fire Truck ...

A sausage factory broke into flames in town and all the area volunteer fire companies responded.

As they arrived, they were met by the frantic owner of the factory. "Our secret recipes are inside. They're in a box in the kitchen and we need those recipes! I'll make a donation of $100,000 to the fire company that gets them out!"

The firefighters looked at the building and decided it was too risky. No takers. The owner doubles down... "I'll donate $200,000 to the company that saves my recipes!" Wow! Still, no takers.

Just then, everyone turns to see an old rickety fire truck speeding down the hill toward the scene. It's the 97th fire company from the old Italian neighborhood. They watch in amazement as the truck zooms through the crowd and straight into the factory, crashing through the flames and straight out the other side, with the recipe strongbox safely on board.

The owner is thrilled and the crowd is in awe of this little fire company.

A reporter steps up to the captain and asks, "What are you going to do with the reward money?"

"Well," the fire captain says, "the firsta ting we gonna do is fixa doz fookina brakes on da firetrucka!"


More sausage! ...

The customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


Aliens ...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."


Shot in the head ...

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with
the windows rolled up, her eyes closed and with both hands behind
the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot
in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it
was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was
from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.


Headaches ...

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve, and a 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ahh ha! I've got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34.
Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


Cletus and Billie Bob ...

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day in Iowa when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off
first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets
his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to
reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears
the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of
hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What in the world're
ya doin', Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers outta me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do somethin' sexy to a
tractor."


Catholic Nun ...

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."


Birthday Wish ...

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we
can afford it."

The next day, the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you
going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last
night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I
heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."


Blond Men Jokes ...

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blonde men find three grenades and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do ... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------

A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just what are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."


Rookie ...

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."


How a Man Thinks ...

MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...


Driving ...

I was driving down the road when a state trooper turned on his lights and wanted to pull me over. I sped up. The trooper sped up. I sped up some more, so did the trooper. Finilly I pulled over. The trooper came to my window, he said, it is the end of my shift I am tired. If you can tell me some thing I never heard before I will let you go. I told him, a long time ago my wife ran away with a state trooper, I thought you were bringing her back.

Have a nice day sir, said the trooper.


Overheard on a plane ...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.


Can You Blame Him? ...

A young man was dating three women and finally decided it was time to make a decision to marry one of them.
To help him make his decision, he decided to give them a little test. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first woman did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon for a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much. The man was touched and impressed with her devotion to him.

The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some beautiful, expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much. Again, the man was touched and impressed.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned several times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much. Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed............

The man was faced with a very difficult decision. He thought a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how much each one loved him.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know


Ouch! ...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


So True ...

What do men and tiles have in common?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of you life!


Mystery Blond ...

A young couple went to the sea shore for a day to soak up the sunshine and relax. No sooner had they walked onto the sand, when a blonde in a bikini and carrying a mysterious black bag caught their eye. She walked up to everyone who was playing a radio, talked to them for a moment and then either smiled, nodded and walked away or reached into her bag, took money from them and handed them a package.

"She's selling drugs!" the girl said to her boyfriend. "Why don't you try to find out for sure, then we'll call the police."

The fellow advanced to where the blonde was standing, his boom box blaring rock music. The girl watched as the blonde approached him, talked for a moment and when the fellow shook his head, she smiled, nodded and walked away.

The girl rapidly walked up to her boyfriend and said: "She was trying to sell you drugs, wasn't she?"

"No," he replied, smiling. "She is a battery salesperson. She sells C cells by the sea shore."


A Passport …

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


Talking Horse …

A man was driving across a large rural area in northern Wyoming when his car suddenly started sputtering and finally stopped.
He opened the hood to look around, although he knew very little about mechanical things.
As he looked a voice suddenly said, "Fuel pump."
The man was startled and banged his head on the underside of the hood. As he stepped back to see who spoke, all he saw were two horses, one white and one brown, standing at the fence looking at him.
"Who said that?" asked the startled man.
"It's your fuel pump," replied the white horse, "just tap it with your flashlight and it will work fine."
So the man give his fuel pump a couple of smart raps with a flashlight and the carstarts and runs perfectly.
A few miles down the road, the man, still shaken from his encounter, stops at a roadhouse for a stiff drink to calm his nerves.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," the barkeep says.
"You could say that." the man replies and then explains his ordeal.
"Was it a white horse?" the barkeep asks.
"Uh, yea, it was, how did you know?" says the suprised man.
The bar keep smiled and said, "You were lucky, the brown horse doesn't know s**t about cars."


The Colonoscopy … (About The Writer: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.)

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'=

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

 

[lykuno]

Humor Is The Best Medicine … (Part 2 of 6)



Tennessee State Trooper ...

Two men are driving through Tennessee when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Tennessee son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried that sh*t with me!"




That's How The Fight Started ...


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....





Airplanes ...

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.


Milking Machine ...

Bill ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when Bills wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons."


"Nair" ...

A young lady noticed that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The Vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms!"

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either! If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer!"

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."



West Virginia ...

So a West Virginian gentleman goes off to study at Virginia Tech. While there he meets a lovely young woman from Richmond. They have a very proper courtship and decide to get married over spring break.

Their families all come together for a nice wedding (in Virginia, paid for by the bride's family). Afterwards the bride and groom go off to their hotel room to "get to know each other".

The next day the groom comes home to his family alone.

His parents, concerned, ask "Where is your wife?"

The young man replies sadly, "I had to divorce her this morning."

"Why is that, son?"

The young West Virginian looks at the ground. "Well, last night I found out that she was a virgin."

The parents nod in understanding and the father says, "Good move on the divorce son. If she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours!"


Leprachaun ...

One day a man is golfing in Ireland. On the 11th hole he chips his ball off into the woods. He enterest the woods to retrieve it and finds a leprachaun lying unconcious next to his ball, with a lump on its head.

Abashed, the man wakes up the leprechaun and apologises. The leprechaun stares at the man for a minute, sighs, and says, "Well, you caught me fair an' square. So name yer three wishes."

The man shakes his head, "No, I don't want any wishes. I just wanna be sure that you're allright."

The leprechaun says, "Well, I'll be just fine,really. But you might as well make the wishes."

The man says, "No, really, as long as you're okay, that's all that matters." He then picks up his golf and goes back to the hole.

The leprechaun says, "What a nice man. Well, I'll give him the three wishes I would want if I were a man. A great golf game, lots of money, and a fantastic sex life." And he makes it so.

A year later the man is back at the same course. Again, on the 11th hole, he chips the ball off into the woods. As he goes in to find it, he sees the leprechaun standing there with his ball in its hand.

The man cries, "Oh, not again. I'm so sorry."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "Oh, don't worry, you didna hit me. I just wanted to talk to you." The man just shrugs. The leprechaun asks, "So, how is your golf game?"

The man answers, "Well, except for this last hole, top notch. I'm thinking of going pro."

The leprechaun grins and says "I did that for you. Now tell me, how is your financial situation."

The man shrugs and says "Well, every time I put my hand in my pocket, it comes out with a one hundred Pound note."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you too. So tell me. One last thing. How's your sex life?"

The man blushes a little and says, "Too be honest, I get some every two or three weeks."

The leprechaun says, "What!? I was supposed to have given you a fantastic sex life!"

The man responds, "Well, it's not bad for a priest from a small parish..."


Hillbillies ...

Two hillbillies walked into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talked about their own moonshine operations.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but I ain't never seed nobody do it.


Ole ...

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota.

The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's, said,"Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."

"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."

"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.

"Yah,Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'So vee allgo into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!. I guess I'm the first one here.



Marketing ...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the Cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing.



Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches, No Matter What! ...

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I"m starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she showed him.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Strange Medication ...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed,
took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes
later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more.

Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the
woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered
violently.

Are you okay?"
"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a
very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have
an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he
said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded..."I'm snorting Pepper."



Guys Night Out ...

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth & place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The Cajun stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up .....

" I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."


An Italian ...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when
one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the ft of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. ........No one moves.

........He removes his shirt.

........Muscles ripple across his chest.

........She gasps...

........He whispers:

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."


Scoring System ...

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow.............................................. .....+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners............................................ ....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat............................................... ..-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then
leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10

With breast implants.............................-18


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.......................................0

The pal is happily married..........................+1

The pal is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100

Any other response..............................-20



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200



It's okay to be a redneck if ...

1. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

2. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

3. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

3. You have a relative living in your garage.

5. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

6. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

7. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

8. None of the tires on your van are the same size.

9. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

10. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

11. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

12. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

13. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

14. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

15. Starting your car involves popping the hood.

16. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

17. You whistle at women in church.

18. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

19. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

20. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.


Translating Women's English ...

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH ...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me



New Element Discovered ...

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4-8 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.



Naysayers ...

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that shitty haircut?”


Funeral Procession ...

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short
distance back, were about 200 women walking single
file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in t he second
hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on
her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."



A Porsche for $20 ...

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”

“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”

“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in.
She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”

“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.

The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did...



Helicopter Ride ...

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in the helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but the helicopter ride is $50. And 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Some years later Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't do that helicopter ride now, I might never get the chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is $50 and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks. I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you don't say a word up there, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say anything, it's 50 dollars."

They both agreed and up they went. The pilot did every stunt in the book but not a word was said. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "I am so impressed you never said a word."

Morris replied, "I almost did when Esther fell out, but 50 dollers is 50 dollars"


Good for you Pops ...

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 90-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand.


Poems ...

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

**********************************************
A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.


Talking Dog ...

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because I'm tired of his Bulls**t. He's never been out of the yard.



Deep Trouble ...

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."



Scotch? ...

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit...... She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............. "It's a puppy!"



Tools And How To Use Them ...

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Modern Cowboy and the I.R.S. ...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.



Drive up Banking:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.



Bad Day? ...

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drinks and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well whatcha gonna do about it?" he says as I burst into tears. "Come on man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say, "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. And then you show up and drink the whole thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"


Blonde Jokes ...

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and s hook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."


Fishing Humor ...

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"


Sound Familiar? ...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....



Two Farmers ...

Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob agrees it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family.

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a Heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What’s that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay"



The dreaded pretzel hold ...

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So, the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really.

You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts! ...



Engineer Humor ...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


*****************************

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*******************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.

Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*******************************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of
their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

*****************************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

*****************************

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints,"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*****************************

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

*****************************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



The Divorce ...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is
yes."

Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want
a divorce?"

Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."



Are My Testicles Black? ...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'


Policeman …

I think I'm going to lose my drivers license, and all because of a stupid police officer ...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test. Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything!"

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you're driving in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?"

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So, counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there, and now I have a court date to attend....


Bicycle ...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said:

"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $380,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it"

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him:

"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $380,000 mortgage & no bike!"



Biology Test ...

In a college level advanced Biology exam, the last question was, 'Name eight (8) advantages of Mother's Milk'. This final question was worth 70 points or zero, none at all.
One male student, in particular, was hard put to think of eight advantages. However, after some serious contemplation, he wrote this answer:

1) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

...and then, the student was dumb struck for two more answers. In desperation, & just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the exam he wrote:

7) It comes in two quite attractive containers, and
8) it's high enough off the floor where the cat can't get to it.

He got an A+



Wife Leaving ...

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."


Playing it safe! ...

Two policemen were called to an address of a suspected shooting where it was reported that a woman had shot her husband.

On arriving at the address one of the officers made a call over his radio back to Police Headquarters.

“We have arrived at the scene and there has been a non-fatal shooting. A female has shot a male who is believed to be her husband".

HQ replied, “Can you give me a brief description as to what has occurred.”

Officer at the scene “The wife has apparently shot her husband for stepping on the wet floor she had just scrubbed and mopped clean."

HQ “OK firstly have you arrested the woman and secured the firearm?"

Officer at the scene "No not at this stage, the floor is still wet."



Math Test ...

Chicago schools are finally teaching practical math that local youngsters can use in their real-world environment.
Educators challenging students for a better life.
A sample test follows…..

NAME: ___________________________
GANG/CREW NAME: ___________________________
CRIB: ___________________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round magazine. He usually misses 9 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram,
what be the street value of the rest of his stuff?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day
crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need
to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes
and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month,
how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed
with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of women Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.
If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds
to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?



Backwoods Book of Manners - Some Tips ...

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'


WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.

2.There are no dental records




Girl Biker Bar ...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a Professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'



Speeding Ticket ...

The police officer stopped a car for speeding and approached the driver. “May I see your license, Sir?”
“I don’t have a license officer, I lost it after my 5th DUI.”
“Alright, let me see your registration.”
“I don’t know where that is, Sir, you see I stole this car, and didn’t notice any registration in the glove box when I put my gun in there.”
“There is a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir, it’s the one I used to kill the lady that owned this car. The one I have stuffed in the trunk.”
“You have a body in the trunk?”
”Yes Sir, it’s in there with my wife’s body.”
Upon hearing all of this, the officer calls for back up and his supervisor and five other officers surround the car. The officer explains what had happened and the Supervisor approached the man. “Let me see you license.”
The man provides his license and registration, which both are valid.
They search the trunk and glove box and find nothing out of the ordinary.
The supervisor said, “I don’t understand, the officer that stopped you said you didn’t have a license, had stolen the car, had a gun in the glove box, and two bodies in the trunk.
The driver said,
“I’ll bet that lying son of a b----- said I was speeding too!”


The Lawyer ...

A man happened upon a friend of his while walking down a suburban street. The man noticed that his friend's car was total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. So, the man asked his friend, "What in the world happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend said, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," said the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and all of the dirt?"

His friend replied, "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."


Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER ...

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 31 2019

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Service ...

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
1, Internal Revenue "Service".
2, U.S. Postal "Service".
3, Telephone "Service".
4, Cable T.V. "Service".
5, Civil " Service".
6, State, City, County & Public "Service".
7, Customer "Service".
This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that YOU are now just as enlightened as I am.



Different Views On A Common Theme ...

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

**** CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?



Mafia Don ...

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson, I wanna you lisina to me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will alwaysa remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
hava a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coupla of bambino.

Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? "Pointa to your watch and say, TIMESA UP???"



The Leprechaun ...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little *******!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his **** off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."



Marital Advice ...

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."



"Another Dumb Blonde??" ...

Two bored casino workers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and said she was going to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story:

... Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.



Ode to the Ladies …


Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as good as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '55 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cola drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger."That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!



GOD BLESS AMERICA INTERESTING T-SHIRTS …

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting T-Shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

On the front- 60 is not old.
On the back- If you're a tree.

I'm still hot.
It just comes in flashes.

At my age, "getting lucky"
means finding my car in the parking lot.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.

I need somebody bad. Are you bad?

Physically pffffffft!

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your
car.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring....I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with
chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell
lies at your funeral.

In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

 

[Uwe]

@lykuno

-Uwe-

 

[lykuno]

@Uwe ...

Aye Aye Skipper! That's a good idea, and thanks for combining part 2 with my original post. I'll add the remaining content here as well.

LYKUNO

 

[lykuno]

Humor Is The Best Medicine … (Part 3 of 6)



Fifty Shades of Grey ...

Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right.
.. a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she
was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . .
forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . .
her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly
at first, then began to groan louder … finally . . . totally exhausted.
she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smart ass, I can't
parallel park. You do it!"


The Thermos ...

A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So, he buys the thermos.

The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."


Medicine Man ...

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: --- Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dir. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Serious Medical Advice ...

SERIOUS MEDICAL ADVICE
I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions
of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.
Please feel free to share this important information.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM.



Order Please ...

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café and placed his order.
He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, went to the kitchen and
said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered
three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... means three pancakes;
a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running
boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

“OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the trucker.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"


Winning Golf Strategies ...

Here is the Table of Contents from a new book: "Winning Golf Strategies," which gives the reader valuable playing tips and inside information obtained through observation of other's play and observations of golfing partners and what improved their games.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Titleist from the rough when you hit a Maxfli from the Tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to distract your opponent.

And the remaining Chapters:

Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a foursome play through your twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three or even five off the tee (like last week).

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey three-putt.

Chapter 17 - When to re-grip your ball retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand-Wedge and a weak slip on The Foot-Wedge.

And the Final Chapter:

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $7.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and then stiff the bartender.


Do You Hear What I Hear? ...

An English businesswoman explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind. At board meetings, during interviews, in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control. "But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."

The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her. "What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?" "Yes," replied the doctor. "First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing!"


Grammar lesson...

Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then; so here’s yours for today... enjoy!

Is it "complete", "finished" or "completely finished"?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch.


Police Tickets ...

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


Blondes, seriously?

A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So, she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."


Ladies Golfing ...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly

toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the
men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just
allow me!" she told him earnestly..

"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside, beginning to massage him. "How does that feel?" she asked.

"It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!".



Sisters of St. Francis ...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a

sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a

second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then

he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On

the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign

next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a

nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my

son?".....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was

interested in possibly doing business.".......

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." .He is led through many

winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a

closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin

cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the

cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this

hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it

shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking

lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.

FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.


Benefits ...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.


Frank ...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi passing by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, -"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell, there's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank.

He died … and I married his wife."


Lexophilia ...

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


Common Core?

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."



Looks can be deceiving ...

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two deputies standing there.

“Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.

“Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”

“Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out of his wallet and handed it to the officers.

They looked it over and handed it back to him. “Sir, I’m sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”

The old man says, “I know, son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”


A soldier and a nun ...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!!


Men's Facial Expressions ...

A study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.


Only in Georgia (maybe Kentucky too) ...

A liberal lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a liberal lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Georgia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'


'What for?' says the liberal lawyer...


The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'


Then the liberal lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The liberal lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'


'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

The liberal lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'


Driving the speed limit!!!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."



The Polish Pickle Worker ...

Stan Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his manhood in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Stan to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Stan came home from work very early. His wife, Stella, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Stan tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his manhood in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Stella gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find everything normal. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer"

Stan replied, "I think she got fired, too."



Why I'm Divorced ...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it’s such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.


Thoughts ...

>If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
>Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
>If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
>If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
>When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
>If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
>Why is the word abbreviation so long?
>If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
>Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
>What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
>Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
>Is it possible to be totally partial?
>What's another word for thesaurus?
>When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
>If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
>Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
>Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
>Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
>Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
>When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
>Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
>Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
>Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
>If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
>What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
>How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold, cold?
>>What is the speed of dark?
>Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
>How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
>What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
>After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
>If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
>What's another word for synonym?
>If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
>When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
>Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
>Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
>How can there be self-help groups?
>Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
>Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
>If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
>Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
>Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
>Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
>Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
>Where are Preparations A through G?
>Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
>If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
>When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
>When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
>you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
>What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
>If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples.
>Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
>If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?


Men vs Women (as always) ...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??


Nine Words/Phrases Women Use ...

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in 'fine'.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 above for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F -- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3 above.


Letters Rearranged ...

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


They Walk Among Us ...

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

~~~~~~~~~

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"

They Walk Among Us!!

~~~~~~~~

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

~~~~~~~

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~~~~~~

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn, she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving. "

They Walk Among Us!!!!

~~~~~~~

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!

~~~~~~~~

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
(maybe I should have bought 10 cases)

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

~~~~~~~

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So, I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. "

Yep, they walk among us AND they reproduce!


For Educated Minds ...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Wedding Ceremony ...

A lesson in making assumptions, especially in thinking the worst…

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."


World's Smartest Computer ...

A well-known university had just completed installation of what was felt to be the most leading-edge computer in the world. As might be expected, a number of senior members of the faculty were pushing back against the change.

The administration decided it might help if the computer were "introduced" to skeptical faculty members by inviting them to interact with the computer. Someone suggested that a YouTube video should be made in order to publicize the event, thought by all to be a good idea.

At the appointed time, the faculty group was ushered into the room. The operator told the group about all the enhancements that could be brought to campus life by advancing technology, etc., etc.

Eventually he invited someone from the faculty group to volunteer and ask the computer a question. After a lot of hesitation, an old, gruffy professor asked, "Where is my father?"

It it's synthesized voice "Your father is trout fishing in Montana" replied the computer.

"AHA" shouted the professor, "My father has been dead for 20 Years!" The operator, slightly puzzled, suggested that the professor phrase the question a little differently.

A bit triumphantly, the professor asked, "Where is the husband of my mother?"

The computer, "The husband of your mother has been dead for 20 years. However, your father is still trout fishing in Montana,"


A Few Facts ...

These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.
A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Windhoek, Heineken, Castle, & Amstel beer.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


The Origin of Old Sayings ... (Veracity Unverified)

Early aircraft throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle, the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. And now you know the rest of the story.

During WWII, U.S. Airplanes were armed with belts of ammo, which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure 27 feet and contained hundreds of cartridges. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, "I gave them the whole nine yards," meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the South, Hawkins was requested by the President to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig'. Today we often use the term here comes the 'Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide bench folded down from the wall and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the bench. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied corset.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's, radios nor internet, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A barmaid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in pints and who was drinking in quarts, hence the phrase 'minding your Ps and Qs.'

One more: bet you didn't know this! In the heyday of sailing ships, all warships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem; how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts greater, and much faster than iron when it's chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would roll right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'


No Saddle?

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."


What religion is a bra?

A man walked into the ladies department... and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!


Harry ...

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.



The Pirate ...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “It was my first day with my hook”



Watch the Priest ...

A man spent the day at the horse track. He observed a Catholic priest who
was really enjoying the outing, and apparently doing very well. So, the man
decided to see if the priest had any "secret" to picking horses. Between
races, he followed the clergyman as he walked through the stables.

The priest stopped at one stall, made some kind of sign that he couldn't
quite see. The next race, that horse, a long shot, won easily. Curious, the
man observed this several times, each time the priest winning with his
"blessed" horse.

Finally, the man made his move. At the next trip he watched the priest
and then went to the window and bet heavily on the horse selected by the priest.

As the gate opened, his horse bolted out of the gate and fell dead scant
yards from the starting gate. The man was incredulous!

He approached the priest and boldly demanded an explanation.

"You're not Catholic, are you?" calmly asked the priest.

"No, but what does that matter?" demanded the loser.

"Well, if you were," continued the priest, "you'd know the difference
between Blessing and Last Rites."



School Notes Sent To Teachers ...

These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been
left intact.)


1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON
JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH
TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS
PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE
IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS
VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT
YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE
SH**S.
NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED
HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE
WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL
YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TOGET
THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT
MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE
WAS TIRED. SHE SPENTA WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND
UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE
HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER
WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE
FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER
SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING
AROUND, HER F ATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER
EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS



Complaint Department ...

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


Some Truths ...

~ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
.................................................. .................................................. ........................
~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
.................................................. ......................................
~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........................................
~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
.................................................. ........................
~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
.................................................. .........
~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
.................................................. .................................................. ......
~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
.................................................. ....................
~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
.................................................. .................................................. .......................................
~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?
.................................................. .................................................. ..........................................
~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........................................
~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
.................................................. .............................................
~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
.................................................. .................................................. ....................
~ I run like the winded.
........................................
~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
.................................
~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
.................................................. .................................................. .......................................
~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
.................................................. .................................................. .........................................
~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
.................................................. .................................................. .....................................
~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
.................................................. .................................................. ....................................
~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
.................................................. .................................................. ...
~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........................................
~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
.................................................. .................................................. .....................................
~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
.................................................. .................................................. .............



Missing Person (Maybe?) ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER: What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.


The Art Collector ...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"


Tastes Like Chicken ...

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."


Just Trying To Help ...

When I woke up this morning, my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So, I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.


Before It Starts ...

A man comes home from work, dashes through the front door into the living
room, hurriedly settles into his favorite chair, turns on the TV and yells
to his wife,
"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looks at him quizzically, but brings him a beer. He tilts the can back
and guzzles the beer. When he finishes it he says,
"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start!"

This time she looks a little angry, but still fetches him a beer. Quaffing
it thirstily, he downs this beer too and then says,
"Hurry, another beer before it starts!"

"That's it!" she blows her top, "You lazy shiffless slob idiot! You waltz
in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect
me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean
and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighs,
"Oh S&%$ it started."


Crocheting Doilies ...

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"

Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."



Female Trouble ...

During a woman’s medical examination, the British doctor says, ”Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

No no no, just stick out your tongue!


... And that's when it started!



Things you should have learned by now ...

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don't worry about what people think; most don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You should not weigh more than your refrigerator.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.



A$$holes for Sale ...

Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old woman said, “Must be doing well. Only two left!"



Phyllis Dillerisms...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.


Animal Instincts?

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and
yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing
serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal
every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out
the savage beast in him.

He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a
progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car."


Ole and Sven ...

One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears catalog and admiring all the beautiful models. Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?” Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!” Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ Yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun…maybe two.” Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “By golly Ole, if she’s as purdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.” Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ya ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears catalog”? Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!”


Circumcised ...

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'



The Photographer ...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement...

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.



The Truth is Stranger than Fiction ...

*The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. (Can anyone find me a place where a plane can fly under a car driving under a train traveling under a ship?)

*Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. (Vocabulary has ALWAYS been a sign of intelligence)

*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. (Hmmm... Pinocchio syndrome?)

*David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. (He was a better man than I. I would have told them to get bent when they came to me for the sequels)

*Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. (not exactly known for their coordination)

*In every episode of "Seinfeld" there is a Superman somewhere. (so that someday this piece of trivia could make it into a game.

*Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. (Speechless)

*February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. (Apparently there were no Bar Crawls back then. Oh, come on, you get it)

*Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. (sounds like my kinda town)

*The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. (and you wonder why you can't find toilet paper?)

*No word in the English language rhymes with month. (Nor Oranges)

*The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. (and that is why it is now a hotel in Dubai)

*There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. (Alright, someone has 4. Half of those are mine. Cough 'em up right now)

*Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. (I can't even get a book in ONE)

*Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. (Esplain to me how a church and a school own more property in the largest city in the US, than any other entity)

*Cat's urine glows under a black light. (Black lights are UV.... UV kills COVID_19.... Cat urine reacts to UV.... Do you think I could convince people that cat urine is a cure for COVID-19? They believed the bleach thing)

*Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. (and at that time the original Apple computer would run MS Flight Simulator)

*The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. (Dodge is a good thing to see on the front of a car coming at you)

*Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. (Also SCUBA, parachutes, helicopters, battle tanks, photography and a list as long as your arm of other things. People admire Einstein for his brain. DaVinci was my hero)

*It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. (good thing we don't clean the pot with macaroni)

*In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. (but what would you if you could?)

*Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. (this is the only reason Loan Sharks don't loan money to children)

*The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. (Superbowl losses don't count)

*Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. I'm DYING to know who figured THIS out)

*If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (and, sadly, not enough to buy lunch at ANY fast food joint)

*The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

*Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (this is why we idolize him)

*No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. (is this why LA's Governor and New Orlean's Mayor diverted funds granted for dike and levee improvements to build a new stadium?)

*The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". (I ain't sayin' nuffin'. I could....)

*In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were killed. (the Great fire of Chicago in 1871 killed 300 in a much smaller area)

*Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. (Which inspire Wright to design the Pope-Leighey house)

*Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. (we should have a few hitting that soon)

*The name Wendy was made up by James Barrie for the book "Peter Pan." (but didn't become popular until the Beach Boy's lament)

*A porpoise swims slowly in a circle as it sleeps. (I do that when I'm drunk)

*At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon. (this explains a LOT actually.)

*Despite the many rat-infested slums in New York City, rats bite only 311 people in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers. (and New Yorkers are FAR more toxic than rats)

*No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right. (I'm guessing trained response based on right vs left-handed)

*The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11-story building. (11 floors can you imagine? I would be TERRIFIED to be up that high)

*Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day. (I was always above average)

*There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million. (and you can make a decent living hunting them for leather and dog food)

*During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the sea, "Moby ****", only sold 50 copies. (that's a book? I thought it was a venereal disease)

*The liver, not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco. When a Moroccan girl falls in love she says, "Darling, you have stolen my liver." (and the butcher is upset)

*Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn't matter whether they are in front, behind or beside them. (and when a truck pulls out to pass them, they speed up)

*A small tribe named the Todas in southern India doesn't greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses. (and when greeting someone they don't like, boogers fly)

*The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated and ready to play with. (but only the Pats under inflate)

*The world's greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000 wives. Before dying of syphilis, he was quoted in saying he only loved the first 700. Inspiring the Led Zep song Whole Lotta Love)

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. (and dragstrips the rest of the time)


Dead Crows ...

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!


Irish Miracle ...

Murphy, one of the Murphy’s Laws, accidentally dropped a slice of
buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature
of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it
with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on
the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
buttered toast on the floor and then they flipped it over to confirm that
indeed the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan,

"dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It must be miracle.”

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to
the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round;
to interview you, take photos, etc."

After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the
final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in
Murphy's kitchen, Quite outside the natural laws of the universe.

Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No
Miracle'

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.



Gator Law ...

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says;
I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...
I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch' em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch' em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the sh*t out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh*t out of a lawyer,
there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase!"



When Insults Had Class ...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx



Did I Read That Correctly?

A few handwritten notices noticed while noticing:

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE RETURN IT OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).


Kids Understand ...

The teacher was testing the Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was,

"NO!" the children answered.

By now. of course, she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!"


The Cowboy ...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra. "Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



Irish Playing Poker ...

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.



If The Shoe Fits ...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side....
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...
28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars’ worth of improvement...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratchier
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hanging?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny



Woodpeckers ...

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees.

The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.

The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was
able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.


Irishman Driving ...

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.’



The Code Men Live By ...

Thou shall not rent "Chocolat."

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
********. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits FOREVER!

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

**** Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your
pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.*****

Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission;
and he, in return, is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick
a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

You girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her
gal pals' significant d****-heads; low-level sports bonding is all
the law requires.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask
who's
playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.

(Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after
you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the
covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your girlfriend.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good ***
-whuppin," then you may sit back and enjoy.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ***, are you
a Sagittarius?"

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod
is all the conversation you need.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.

Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you
in the eye, and deliver a "F__K OFF," you are absolved of your of
responsibility.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.

In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.



Old Couple Divorce ...

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”



Dining Out ...

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.

Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

“No, he didn’t,” the woman calmly replies. “He just walked in the door.”



And That's When The Fight Started ...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.



Honesty is the best policy ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his best friend buddy, Bob.

So, they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north ab out 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes!” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
*
*
*
*
*
“She just died and left me everything.”







Freudian Slip ...

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.

He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning, I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidentally said, "You fudgeing bitch, you ruined my life."



Old Cinderella ...

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"I bet "NOW" you're sorry you neutered me."



A California Love Story ...

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his
testicles ...

Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... she replied .... "I Really Miss Mine".

I told you it was a California Love Story.





Al and Joe ...

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give
a demonstration.

So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Joe misses him.

Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up: he's got a couple of broken bones and the cuts and scratches have become deep gashes. His whole body is bruised, and he is barely conscious.

Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What the hell happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd.

What the heck is a piñata?"



Job Interview ...

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job, " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."



We're In Trouble ...

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Which leaves 129 million to do the work

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.



The Curse Of The Coffin ...

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long-lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The three friends agree that this is their chance to make it big and decide to go together to find this treasure.

After searching for months deep in the jungle, they come across a cave that they are certain contains the treasure. There are many traps within the cave: poisoned arrows, moats of crocodiles, pits of fire, and rolling boulders, but the three friends are determined to get their wealth. Finally, they reach the deepest part of the cave and it is *filled* with treasure: gold, diamonds, rubies, and more! In the center of the cave is a large sepulcher with the words of a strange language written across it and depictions of death and suffering all along its sides. The three friends paid it no heed and proceeded to fill their pockets and backpacks with treasure. Suddenly the door of the sepulcher burst open and a black, decrepit coffin *floated* out. From out of the coffin arose a rotting hand holding a large ceremonial dagger. The coffin slowly came towards Gary, Dan, and Job, the hand stabbing at the air as it went. The men let out a shriek, grabbed their bags full of treasure, and ran from the cave.

Years passed and the three men had enjoyed their newfound wealth, each buying his own luxurious mansion, servants, cars, and whatever they desired. One day, as Gary was staring out of his mansion window, he noticed something on the horizon. It was that coffin with the dreadful hand still stabbing at air, and it was slowly floating toward his home. Gary shouted for the butlers to bar the doors and Gary grabbed his prized elephant gun. The doors didn't stop the coffin though, it plodded right through. Gary shot frantically, but the bullets didn't affect the coffin at all. The coffin stabbed Gary, and the life faded quickly from his eyes.

Dan heard about Gary's death and feared for his own life, so he hired many trained mercenaries as guards to protect him. Soon enough, Dan saw the coffin coming for his luxurious mansion and sounded the alarm. The guards locked all of the doors and opened fire on the coffin, but it didn't stop! Grenades, machine guns, RPGs, none of it could stop the coffin. The guards, seeing the vanity of their efforts, fled in terror. Dan begged and begged for the coffin to stop, but it kept coming. The coffin stabbed Dan right in the heart, and the man fell to the ground lifeless, the white marble floor of his manor now marred by streaks of crimson.

Job, of course, heard of the deaths of his two friends and feared the coffin. He built a large wall of iron around his house, he hired guards, planted landmines, and set traps (he had the money to do so, after all). When the coffin came, none of it helped. The coffin plowed through the wall, floated over the landmines, was unaffected by the traps, and overpowered the guards. The coffin busted down Job's mansion doors and began making its way toward him. Job, desperate, began throwing anything he could grab at the coffin: dining room chairs, knives, forks, and even his pet cat (poor Mr. Whiskers!), but the coffin didn't stop. Job fled to his bathroom, hoping the coffin couldn't find him there, but he soon heard the swish of air from the swinging of the coffin's dagger. Before Job could attempt to flee again, the door came crashing down. In one final attempt to save his life, Job opened the bathroom medicine cabinet and threw a package of Halls extra strength lozenges, and the coffin stopped.



The Salesman ...

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss is unsure, but he likes the kid and figures he'll give him a shot.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The next day is a Friday, and after the store is locked up, the boss comes down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

"Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20-to-30 customers a day. That'll have to change, and soon, if you want to keep your job here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."

The kid takes his beating but continues looking at his shoes, so the boss feels kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asks, "So, how much was your one sale for?"

"One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven dollars and sixty-five cents."

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

"Well, first I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said, 'Down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris-Craft and trailer. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

"A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should just go fishing.'"



Custer's Last Thoughts ...

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f___ing Indians.'"



Swimmers?? ...

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."



Fitting Memorial ...

Sam died.

His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."



The Magician ...

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the f........... ship?



Evens ...

There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven, he decided to stop there for the Night.

The proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So, I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven." He continued, "We are pretty far in the country. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. They should have their pick of boyfriends. But they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. A gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even served an excellent home-cooked dinner to him; and she kept asking him if there was anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if there is anything you want." "I don't think so, thank you," he said pleasantly.

When he had finally climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep, the door opened again to admit a redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured her.

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient, "But, I told you when I registered, I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."



Leave Work Early? ...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would
she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her lady boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."



Dear Friends ...

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.

I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.



The IRS ...

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's t-boi , my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel's Tennessee honey and a dozen Bush wackas every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?



The Brothel ...

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred-dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.



Circle Flies ...

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “These are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?” the trooper asked.

“These flies that circle a horse’s tail," answered the farmer. “These are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool these flies.”



Birthday Surprise ...

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

 

[lykuno]

Humor Is The Best Medicine … Part 4 of 6

---

(Note: there are fewer jokes in part 4 than in the preceding 3 parts. Don't worry though because upcoming parts 5 and 6 will have more considerably more content )



Jack The Atheist ...


Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he’s greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: “Welp, I’ve been wrong all my life and I guess I’m now to pay the price for my lack of faith.”

Satan laughs and replies: “Awh it’s not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself.”

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there’s a bunch of houses where other “damned” live.

As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that’s always granted by the two.

Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.

At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he’ll be spending the rest of eternity into.

As they walk to Jack’s new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: “What’s behind there?”

Satan: “Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind.”

Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he’d be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.

That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he’s in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.

After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn’t even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.

Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.

Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.

On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.

Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.

Jack pleaded: “PLEASE! PLEASE! Don’t take me to hell, I’ll do anything just let me stay here, I don’t wanna burn for all eternity!”

Satan: “What are you talking about??? I’m just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday.”

Jack: “Don’t lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!”

Satan: “Ooooh you saw that! Don’t worry that’s not for you, that’s the Christian hell.”

Jack: “The Christian hell? Why would the Christian hell be like that?”

Satan: “I don’t know either man, they just want it that way.”



Three Men at the Pearly Gates ...

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up… “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.”

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked… “Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!”

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair.

“Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, … “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my a-hole.” And the idiot went to heaven.



Man vs Two Nuns ...


There were Two Nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

Man Needs Doctor Prescription To Sleep With His Wife ...​

The medics rushed Mr. Sol Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. “Doris, you’ll never believe it! I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before – wild, passionate sex! You’ll love it!”

Doris thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you.”

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office. His doctor tells him, “Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’

Now, I’ll just address this. By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?” Mr. Sol, after thinking a second “Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”

Husband Ignores Wife's Requests ...​

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,” Kate said.

Paul yelled back, “Who do I look like, the PG&E man? I don’t think so.”

A little while later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like, an electrician? I don’t think so,” Paul retorted.

A few hours later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

Paul quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so.”

Frustrated from all the requests, Paul gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife, so he went on home.

He came up the porch and realized that the step was fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

“Babe, how did you fix all this?” Paul asked his wife.

She looked at him and explained, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying, and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?” Paul asked.

Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

 

[lykuno]

Humor Is The Best Medicine – Part 5


Man vs Two Nuns ...


There were Two Nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
*
*
*
*
*
*
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!


Three Men at the Pearly Gates ...

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up,… “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.”

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,… “Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!”

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair.

“Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked,… “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my a-hole.” And the idiot went to heaven.


The Veterinarian ...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.00 in the donation plate. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly women put the distinctive pink envelop on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000.00 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money and I give a tithe to the church.”
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000.00 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?”
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Elko and one by Laughlin."


Jonah ...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"


Job Interview Gone Wrong ...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


Two Nuns ...

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically,
the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:

"What part did you get?"


Ole and Lena Stories ...

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEM --
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained,
"I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER! --
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape
case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

SWIM COMPETITION --
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman
and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second.

The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms."

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE --
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish
cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

BAR RIDDLE --
A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in
a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?" "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the Swede. The Indian said, "My father and my mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Swede scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU
have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. Okay . . my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?" "Search me, " said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?" "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."

FINGERNAILS --
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas
really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

THE RELATIONS --
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their
rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

THE PRANK CALL --
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know,
dats two tousand miles from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks Lena. "I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

BIRTHDAY PARTY --
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,"Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked." "Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls." "Is that right?", his policeman friend asked. "Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'So vee all
go into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!".I guess I'm the first one here.


Mr. J is watching you ...

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me"

The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence."

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."


A Happy Ending ...

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


Scotch??

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit...... She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............. "It's a puppy!"



The Dangers of Bread ...

Did you know?


1) More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread eaters!

2) Exactly half of all children who grow up in bread - eating households score in the bottom 50% on standardized IQ tests!

3) In the 19th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 55 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, scarlet fever, smallpox and influenza ravaged entire nations!

4) Statistics show that more than 75 % of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread!

5) Bread is made from a substance called "dough." Researchers have proven that as little as one pound of dough can choke a large animal like a horse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!

6) Bread is known to be extremely addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water actually begged for bread after just two days!

7) Bread is a "gateway" food item, which usually leads to such items as butter, jam, peanut butter and even ... bacon!

8) Bread has been proven to kill. Scientists have now uncovered alarming evidence that 100% of the people who eat bread will eventually die!

9) Unattended newborn babies can choke on bread!

10) Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 425 degrees Fahrenheit! Don’t laugh...that kind of heat can kill a full grown adult in less than five minutes.



Why Men Lie ...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Also, had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's my story, and we're sticking to it!


Things to Ponder (or not) ...

1. Can you cry under water?

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

12. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

13. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

17. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

18. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.



What's That Smell?

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli...............49 cents a pound."


The Poopie List ...

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!


Dear Abby ...

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed
Perplexed


Classes For Women ...

Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By
June 2, 2020

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet ?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos ?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT !
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right !--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
And my favorite

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM



Words of Wisdom ...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper that’s the time to do it.

4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

15. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will spend the grocery money on graphite rods and buzzbaits.

19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

20. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

21. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

25. Don't squat with your spurs on.

26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

31. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

32. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

33. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


A Guy Walks Into A Bar ...

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me five shots of your finest whiskey, none of that cheap stuff!"

The bartender fills five glasses in front of the man and the guy slams them one after another in rapid succession.

"Wow," says the bartender, "you drank those in a hurry!"

"You'd drink fast too if you had what I have," the man says.

"Er, that's rough, what do you have?" asks the bartender.

The man replies, "Fifty cents."


Prayers ...

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks
pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen


Life ...

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

22. Proscrastinate Now! (I do this well)

23. My dog can lick anyone!

24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime comitment for a pig.

33. The trouble with life is there's no background music.


Muldoon's Dog ...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Churchill Downs ...

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

It was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their
clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."



Digital Birth ...

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber café. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.



The Top 10 Things Not To Say:

Top ten things not to say in an argument with a woman

10) Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

9) Ooh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

8) You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

7) Waaait a minute--I get it--what time of the month is it?

6) Are you sure you don't want to consult the "Great Oprah" on this one?

5) Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.

4) Whoa, time out honey---the game is starting.

3) Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.

2) Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

And the number one is:

1) Who are you kidding? We both know that isn't loaded.


Avast Me Hearties ...

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons . . . both Admirals.


Why men are better friends ...

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had
slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.



Golf Story ...

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”


Picture on the Nightstand ...

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."


Time to Wash ...

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


Gator Shoes ...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper
said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a
big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman
standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9
foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature
and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then
the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it,
this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


You Know You Bought A Lemon When ...

1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Joe's towing.

3. You get a free set of booster cables with every car purchase.

4. The hood has a special push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

6. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.

7. A tow truck follows you everywhere you go.

8. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."


Fairy Tales ... (ahem)

JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothing all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very, very good
But when she was bad,
She got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car..........
(Scarsdale, or East Hampton?)

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, the cat did a piddle
All over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.


The New CEO ...

"A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a
tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and
asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

"A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, 'I make
$300.00 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

"Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?'

"From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'"


Blonde Cowboy ...

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says: "Well it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,

"Now go to town, cowboy."

And here I am.

See, Blonde Men do exist.


Only Three Doors ...

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


Can't Tell A Lie ...

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.



Say What?

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender is amazed. "Hey! You can talk!"

"Yeah, yeah. How 'bout that beer?"

The bartender pours a draft sets it in front of the duck and says, "You should join the Circus. You'd make a FORTUNE."

The duck eyes him suspiciously, "Tell me sump'm. What's the Circus gonna do with a bricklayer?"



Two Italian Virgins ...

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.

The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.

The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.

She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time.

Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"


Blonde Joke ...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "


We Didn't Use That ...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it ”

The manager is unmoved and eventually, the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a
check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only
made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t ” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, ” she was here, and you could have.”


Black Eyes ...

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”

“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”


Hospital Care ...

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.


Puns (You've been warned!)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy..

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I walked into a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.


A Horoscope For The Workplace ...

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...


MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.


Gone Fish'n ...

A marriage license should be like a fishing license - it expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3 day license.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty!

If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better!

Practice CATCH and RELEASE!


Happy Gardening ...

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She
explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that
it is just not appropriate ....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.



The Whole Story ...

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and gointo the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woodswith Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner! table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.



The Biker ...

A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. The shop couldn't repair it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take the short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


Woman in a Coma ...

Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath

One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room.

"What happened?"

Bruce replied, "I guess she choked"



A Priest and a Rabbi ...

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"



Dictionary ...

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous.................Slept with everyone

Athletic......................................No tits

Average looking....................Ugly

Beautiful...........................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist.......................................... Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former slut

Fun..........................................Annoy ing

New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned.............................No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................Bi tch

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame.................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:


1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay



You Might Be A Redneck ...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

And last, but not least...

31. Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!



Ole and Lena ...

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.


OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS_____________

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the
outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained,
"I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."


THAT'S HER!_________

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape
case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted,
"Yep, dat's her!"


SWIM COMPETITION _____________

A Swedish woman competed with a French woman
and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel
swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second.
The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with
blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink
dose other two girls used der arms."


VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE _______

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing
in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish
cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat
price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."


BAR RIDDLE ___________

A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in
a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink,
if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?" "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said
the Swede. The Indian said, "My father and my mother had one child. It
wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Swede scratched
his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled
the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Swede
went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a
game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU
have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. Okay . . my
fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister,
Who vas it?" "Search me, " said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?" "It vas some
Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."


FINGERNAILS ___________

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she
had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his
nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas
really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."


THE RELATIONS _____________

Ole and Lena ! were getting on in years. Ole
was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their
rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever
happened tew our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,"
replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."


THE PRANK CALL ____________
The phone rings in the middle of the night when
Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know,
dats two tousand miles from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks
Lena. "I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

------------------------------------------------

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the
little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend
of Ole's said,"Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your
clothes? You're naked." "Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to
dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der
vas boys and girls." "Is that right?", his policeman friend asked. "Yah,
Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' So vee all
go into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel,
vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!".I guess I'm
the first one here.



Hunting Trip ...

There was a group of men that always took a "hunting" trip every year together. One of the men in the group, well....his wife did everything for him. So, just before he left on his "hunting" trip, told his wife to pack his luggage, and have it ready to go early in the following morning.

Well...the guys went on their "hunting" trip, and did all kinds of things. During the trip, this one guy went to change his underwear, and become very irate. How in the **** could his wife forget to pack his underwear. He couldn't wait to get home, and share his anger. All the way home, it's all that he could think about. His friends dropped him off at his home, and he came storming into the house, and walked straight up to his wife. "How in the ****, could you have forgotten to pack my underwear?", he spouted.

Her reply, "I didn't......I packed them in your guncase!"


Column of Twos ...

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


Statements in Court ...

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one
Fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a b*tch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a b*tch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a b*tch.



Jesus in the bathroom ...

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"


Fish for Dinner ...

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big son-of-a-bitch!"

The priest sats, "Uh, please sir can you mind your language?" The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a big son-of-a-bitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry" replied the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!" "Please father" , said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand", said the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!"

"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this son-of-a-bitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" "My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior. "No Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." "Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that son-of-a-bitch tonight."

Well, it turns out that that evening, the Pope decides to stop by for a surprise dinner with the three of them. They each the fish and it turns out to be absolutely delicious. The Pope asks where they got it.

"I caught the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop.

"And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop.

"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know what? You f*ckers are alright!".


Marine Corp Bonus ...

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with? $96,000.

The third one was a senior staff non-commissioned officer, grizzly old Gunnery Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Gunny insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing a medical officer took the measurement. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Gunny to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Gunny calmly replied, "Vietnam."


The Knob ...

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
remained young and vibrant looking.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems...
"All these years, everything has been working fine, I have had to turn the
knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I have
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."



Anger Management ...

Anger Management Really Can Help

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Mike. Could I please speak with Susan Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Sue's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an @sshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '@sshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @sshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@sshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @sshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @sshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW @sshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an @sshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two @ssholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called @sshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an @sshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me!" I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"@sshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @sshole."

Then I called @sshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, @sshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, @sshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two @ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I felt better.

Anger management at it's very best!


Politically Correct ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE



Operation ...

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat.

The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."


Peanuts in Ears ...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"


Potato Pants ...

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"


Redneck Story ...

Three Rednecks were working on a tall TV tower: Catfish, Neil and Jimmy.

Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance took the body away, Jimmy says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Neil says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Jimmy says, "Where did you get that, Jimmy?"

"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Neil replies.

"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Neil says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Catfish's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."


Engineering Students ...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Last Longer ...

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."


Wives ...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Women Over 40 ...

Why Older Women Rule

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. You better beware because...women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.


Sailor Story ...

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by drowning herself in the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for", Said the man, "I'm a sailor and we're off for Italy tomorrow. I can stow you on my ship. Bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she'd always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and stowed her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and made love to her until dawn. Three week later, she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here". Asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors.". She replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.

"I see". Said the captain.

Her conscious gets the best of her and she adds, "Plus he's screwing me".

"He certainly is", Replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".


The Bathroom Story ...

All in all, it hadn't been a good day Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart
the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber
cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my
insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the
occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I
had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my girlfriend. I
completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back
to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must
Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent
cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I
have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your
convenience:

0. Occupied.
1. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the
occupied one.
3. Poo on seat.
4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on
seat.
No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base
of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou
and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy
about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet
sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and
then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it
needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to
Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and
miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged
on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy
day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know
in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would
be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer
cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other
hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was
rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound
of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being
torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily
modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed
to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way
under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald"
fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could
hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could
swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots,
and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous
force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had
actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to
the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation
made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible...
throw up...in my mouth...not... make it... tell the kids... love them...
oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum
at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was
winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into
the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly
quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A
final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks
plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I
heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was
thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door
behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the
damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with
filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the
bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around
for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my
anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring
himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his
cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never
talk on your phone in the bathroom. Do your business and get out.

-- H.R. Poopnsquirt



If You Love Something ...

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, It will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits there in your living room, messes up all of your stuff, eats all of your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't realize that you had set it free...You either married it or gave birth to it.



DIY Covid Virus Test ...

In the interest of keeping everybody safe, I'll share this little virus test you can perform in your own home and get immediate results.

Step one: fill a shot glass with your favorite whiskey and lift it to your nose and inhale. This tests your sense of smell, the loss of which is a common virus symptom.

Step two: now drink the shot glass and "swish" the whiskey around in your mouth. This tests your sense of taste, the loss of which is also a common virus symptom.

I repeated this test at least seven times yesterday and found I was symptom free.

Anyone know if a headache is a symptom?



Ed and the Gorilla ...

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood," and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."



Children ...

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like"

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples.



The Gynecologist who would be a mechanic ...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career".


Little Johnny ...

Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but Johnny continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...

He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"


Twins ...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."


Raising Pigs ...

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."


Bubba Does Paris ...

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Alabama, decided to expand his line of furniture, so went to Paris to see what he could find.

Arriving, he met some manufacturers & picked a line he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate he decided to visit a small bistro & have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine he noticed the place was crowded & the other chair at his table was the only vacant one.

Before long a beautiful Parisian girl came, asked him something in French he didn't understand & motioned to the chair.

He invited her to sit, tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't understand, so after a few minutes trying to talk to her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass & showed it to her.

She nodded & he ordered her a glass of wine.

After sitting there a while he took another napkin & drew a picture of a plate of food.

She nodded & they left to find a quiet cafe with a small band. They ordered dinner, after which he took a napkin & drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded & they got up & danced until the cafe closed & the band packed.

At the table, the girl took a napkin & drew a picture of a 4 poster bed.

To this day Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business...


Corporate Lessons ...

Corporate Lesson No. 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says “I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor” she replies.

Great, the husband says, “Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”

Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson No. 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!


Corporate Lesson No. 3

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size. Another good lesson!!


Corporate Lesson No. 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

*Poof!*She's gone.

In astonishment “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina-coladas and the love of my life.

*Poof!* He's gone.

“OK, you're up” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral Of The Story: always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson No. 5

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."

"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Moral Of The Story: Understand the problem fully before attempting to resolve it.


Lawyer on a Plane ...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer,
and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, the flight attendant used the
intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. LAWYERS AREN'T AS SMART AS THEY THINK THEY ARE.

2. BLONDES AREN'T AS DUMB AS MOST FOLKS THINK.



WASP??? ...

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again.

The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."


New Drugs For Women ...

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip offother drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or on airplanes.

NAGAMET
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


Ooops! ...

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit unusual; and worried that it might concern
other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man
"Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."


Redneck Dilemma ...

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"



Poor Jane ...

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.



Getting Older ...

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Gym Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up.”

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.



Man Rules ...

AT LAST SOME OLD BOY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 . YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!



Beethoven's Grave ...

Tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"



The Perfect Husband ...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's
what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"



Plane Wreck ...

Frank and Maybelle, an old couple who owned a small business, were sitting together on an airplane flying on their first vacation to Europe. Halfway through their trip the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some terrible news. We're experiencing engine trouble and this plane will be forced to land immediately! Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing." A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island and everyone deplanes and begin the task of figuring out what to do next. After a while old Frank turns to his wife and say's "This Island appears to be uncharted and desolate. In fact the Captain is unable to find it on any of his maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives! This is horrible, simply horrible!"

After a few minutes his wife Maybelle asks, "Did we pay our quarterly Federal income tax yet?"

"No. What a silly thing to ask now!" says Frank.

She replies, "Did you remember to mail off our State taxes before we left?"

"No, I forgot to send the check, so what! Let 'em rot!"

"One last thing," says Maybelle, "Did you remember to send property tax check this month?"

"Nope, I'm afraid that I forgot that one too! And your point is?"

Maybelle begins to grin, "So what are you smiling about!?" an exasperated Frank asks.

"They'll find us!!" says Maybelle.



Irish Viagra ...

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an "Irish Viagra". It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and ...! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor.

‘Freakin', ’twas wonderful! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.'



University Library Conflict ...

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:

"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."


The Final Exam ...

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________


Christmas Tattoos ...

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left
thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is
getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"


Mother-In-Law Jokes ...

My Mother-In-Law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my Mother-in-Law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my Mother-in-Law up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

Q: What do you do if you miss your Mother-in-Law??
A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My Mother-in-Law is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Q: What do you have when your Mother-In-Law is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?
A: Not enough concrete.

My Father-in-Law was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My Father-in-Law replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

I wouldn't say that my Mother-in-Law was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.

Q: How do you stop your Mother-in-Law from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.

Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot her again.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a Mother-in-Law?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish.

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My MIother-in-Law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome."

I bought my Mother-in-Law a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my Mother-in-Law, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance."


PMS ...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....


Gotta love old ladies ...

Three old ladies named Della, Rita and Roberta were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Della immediately had a stroke.

Then Rita also had a stroke.

But Roberta, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.


Hunters ...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?


Visit To Granny's House ...

A young man decided to visit his elderly Granny. He always enjoyed talking with her because she always had such interesting stories to tell.

Upon arriving at Granny's house, he was invited into her living room and sat in the easy chair and quickly Granny began her unwavering onslaught of tales and stories of the past.

He became so caught up in her stories that he noticed that there was a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table beside the easy chair and casually reached over and took a few. They were very tasty and before long he had eaten the entire bowl.

Granny had not missed a beat and had continued her stories one after the other. Finally, he decided he had better interrupt her and tell her what he had done.

Granny, I am so sorry for eating all your peanuts. I know you are on a fixed income and I am really sorry for taking advantage of you. I will go and buy you some more.

Granny said " It is okay don't worry about it" He said "But Granny I feel so badly about it"

Granny said "All the good of the peanuts are gone anyway, so it was okay"

"Granny I will go get you some more peanuts"

 

[lykuno]

And Finally ...

Humor Is The Best Medicine – Part 6​

Operation ...

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his
son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ... your mother is going to
come and live with you and your wife...."



New Radio ...

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said. "Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the
speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, "Beethoven," she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she
said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car,
but she swerved just in time to avoid them.

"A$$HOLES!" she yelled.

The French National Anthem began to play



The Faithful Husband ...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's St.Patrick's Day Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from he party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first Thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the

mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from His wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, Steaming Hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son,

"So, why is everything in such perfect

Order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm Married!"
.
.

.
.
Broken Coffee Table $139.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!



Traffic Check ...

A trooper was parked beside route 25 performing a traffic check. Shortly he noticed a car going very slowly with traffic backing up behind it. He pulled the car over and noted that it was occupied by five elderly ladies. He proceeded to have the following conversation with the driver:

Trooper: "Mam you are holding up traffic. Why are you driving so slowly?"

Driver: "But officer I was driving the speed limit exactly."

Trooper: "Mam your speed was only 25mph."

Driver: "Yes sir, that's right and that sign right over there says the speed is 25."

Trooper: "I see the problem. Mam that is a route sign and not a speed sign. The speed limit here is 55mph."

Driver: "Oh dear!"

While this conversation was going on the trooper noticed that one of the ladies in the back seat looked extremely distressed. So he asked if she was feeling alright.

The driver replied, "Oh, don't worry about Ethyl officer…we just turned off from route 110."


Hollywood Squares ...

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Secret For A Long Life? ...

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar.

He walked up to her and said, "I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

"Forty,” she replied.



Aircraft "Gripe" Sheet ...

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



Woman survives a Grizzly Bear attack with .25acp ...

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a GRIZZLY bear attack with ONE well-placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words:

”While out hiking in Missoula, Montana with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today!

I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends”.

Not what you expected?



How To Give Your Cat A Pill ....

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.


The Cruise ...

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still.
How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean......" he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes "..... I can check my e-mail from here?


Reminiscing ...

A man and his wife are having coffee and reading the Sunday paper.

The man sniffles, his wife asks if he is OK, he says, "yes dear, I'm fine."

A few moments later, he sniffles again, she asks, "are you sure your not coming down with something?"

He replies, "I'm fine, I was just reminiscing."

Cheerfully she asks, "Oh, what about?"

He answers, "Remember when your father was the Sheriff and caught us in the back seat of my car? He then pointed a shotgun at me and said, "young man, either you are going to marry my daughter or you’ll be in prison for the next 10 years."

Laughingly she says, "yeah, I remember daddy being like that."

With tears welling up in his eyes he says, "I would have gotten out today."



Lifeboat Genie ...

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth.

This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”

The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”



The Christmas Party ...

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month, otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, there comes a knock on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

“Great," says Jeff. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin’."

“Not a problem," says Jeff. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well I get along with people. I'll be all right, and if not, I can handle myself pretty well. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More 'n’ likely be some wild sex too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."



Tools Explained ...

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Depression ...

This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.



Dog Is A Liar ...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”



The Coat Hanger ...

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, 'Sure.' He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.'

The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,

'Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'

Is GOD GOOD, or what?


A Novel Idea ...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then,
as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to
my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell
me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say .....

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me,
smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."



Parrots ...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for
a moment. You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!



Fishing ...

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!



Jack Daniels Anger Management ...

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack Daniels and he would start to calm down. It was amazing! What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.



Italians and Guns ...

An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"



Moving to Detroit ...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit. There are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."



Repair Needed ...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!"



Duck Hunting ...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Kalangadoo .. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in
South Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Kalangadoo . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'



Da Bulls ...

Three bulls heard the farmer was bringing another bull onto the farm.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all of my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, ...you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest Brahman bull they've ever seen. At 3,600 lbs., each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "He can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."



Diaries ...

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.



Revised Stock Market Terms ...

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investers wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past years investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.



Priest's Retirement Diner ...

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late



Firewood ...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'



Winter in Wisconsin ...

December 8
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
The window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
From heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
Romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
Covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
Sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
Extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
A wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my @$$ on the ice in
The driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
Cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
Anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
Pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
Stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
Should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
Her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
The damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
Day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
They're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
Buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
Another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
And bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
Inches of the white sh!t fell today, and it's so cold,
It probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
Had to p!ss. By the time I got undressed, p!ssed and
Dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
Hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
The winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
@$$hole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
This morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
Says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
The shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
Ever catch the son of a b!tc# who drives that snow
Plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
Beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
Hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
Shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
Been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B!TC# is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his @$$. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?



Conversation in Heaven ...

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death..
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
we'd both be alive.


The Confession ...

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll gladly pay you.

Richard

Immediately upon reading the above, Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead.

He then returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Max then looked at his phone and discovered there was a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife.”

Technology, huh?

It'll be the death of us all.

Richard


Michigan ...

According to Jeff Foxworthy:
* If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan.
* If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Michigan.
* If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan.
* If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong ...number,... you may live in Michigan.
* If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids for the weekend, you may live in Michigan.
* If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan.
* If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Michigan.
* If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan.
* If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan.
* If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan.
* If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan.
* If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan.
* If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Michigan.
* If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan.
* If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan.
* If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Michigan.
* If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Michigan.
* If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Michigan friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Michigan



Moral of the story ...

A horse and a chicken are walking in a field. Suddenly the horse falls into a hole.

"Help me, help me chicken...I have fallen into a hole!" said the horse.

The chicken ran back to the farm to get the farmer, but the farmer took the truck to the store.

The chicken franticly ran around trying to find something to pull the horse out of the hole with. He found the farmer's Harley.

So he hopped on and rode around until he found a rope. He drove the Harley back to the horse's location, hooked him around the neck with the rope, tied the other end to the Harley and pulled the horse out.

He hopped off the Harley and fell into the hole. "Help me, help me horse I have fallen into the hole." said the chicken.

So the horse pushed the Harley out of the way backed his behind up to the hole, dropped his ....PP....into the hole, told the chicken to grab on and pulled him out.

What is the moral of the story?
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If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.



Flashers!!? ...

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the
car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't
very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged,
approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer", says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.


No Toilet Paper ...

A fellow went into a public toilet and does his business and reaches for the TP but the roll is empty.

He yells hey there’s no TP in here and the attendant says yea with the Covid people are hoarding it.

The guy asks what he should do and the attendant asks do you have a dollar the guy says yes the attendant says use that to wipe.

The guy is in there for some time and comes out with poo all over his hand.

The attendant says I thought you said you had a dollar and that you were going to use it to wipe.

The guy says I did do you know how hard it is to wipe your butt with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel.



No Need To Swear ...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx



Cannibals ...

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals, as it couldn't find enough qualified staff. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the ground floor for something to eat, but you are not to eat any of our employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Five weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work; however, one of our secretaries has suddenly disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads and said "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals turned and said to the others, "Okay, now which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

One hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader snapped. "For five weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"



Altar Boy ...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew. His friend Nino slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"

Johnny whispers back, "Four months vacation and five good leads."


Sense of Smell...

I went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating. She said: How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?
I replied: He can smell she is ready. That is how nature works.

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe. Again my girlfriend asked: How the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex?
I replied: Its nature. He can smell she is ready.

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow.
My girlfriend said: This is odd. They are all at it. Surely the bull cant smell when she is ready.

I said: Look, its nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.
Anyway and after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: Take care and get yourself checked for Covid-19 .
Surprised, I asked her: Why do you feel that way?

She said: I think you seem to have lost your sense of smell.


Experience ...

A ship engine failed, NO ONE could fix it.
Then they brought in a man with 40 yrs. on the job.
He inspected the engine carefully.
Then reached into his bag & pulled out a small hammer.
He gently tapped a spot.
Immediately, the engine rocked into life. It was fixed!
7 Days later, the owners got his bill for $10,000.
'What?!' the owners exclaimed.
'He scarcely did anything.'
They asked for an itemized bill.
His response:
”Tapping with a hammer = $2
Knowing where to tap = $9,998"
Lesson: Don't Ever Underestimate Experience!


Five Interesting Questions ...

Can You Figure These Out?

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs Him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

DON'T PEEK..............................

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ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter In the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.



Hard To Learn English ...

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present,
he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the house.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger:
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth,why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "Quick"?

And don't forget that something that is inflammable is just as dangerous as something that is flammable!



The Story of Uncle Bob ...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."


Simple Home Remedies ...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.



Two Priests ...

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is
down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Maine."


Business Proposal ...

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office... but she belonged
to someone else .....

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

But the girl said, "NO!"

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened... She said, "The ******* used quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!


Don't Mess With Kids ...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like"

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples.


The Bottle ...

A nun walks into a liquor store and selects a bottle for purchase.

The clerk is shocked and says "Sister, I thought nuns didn't drink".

The nun replied that it was for the Mother Superior's constipation.

The clerk rang up the sale and the nun left. A while later, the clerk locked up and started walking home, when he saw the nun stumbling around in the park.

Going up to her, he began to reprimand her. "Sister, you said that was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

She slurred "it is. When she sees me like this, she's gonna sh!t".


The Honeymoon Night ...

A couple is on their honeymoon. It's the first time they have ever slept together. The new wife goes into the bathroom to prepare herself. She comes out of the bathroom looking really hot.
The new husband is lying on the bed. He looks up and says, "If you think I'm gonna stick my thing in there, you'r crazy!"
The wife replies," But that's what your supposed to do on your honeymoon night."
"No way, I'm not gonna do it."
The wife replies, "Why?"
"Because if I stick it in there, you'll bite it off."
The wife laughs and says, "Where did you hear such a thing?"
"My mother told me that women have teeth down there."
"Oh honey, your mother just told you that because she didn't want you to have pre-marital sex. It will be fine."
To this the husband replied," No way, my mother wouldn't lie to me."
"Okay then, let me show you there are no teeth." She layed on the bed a spread her legs for her husband and said, "See. No teeth."
To this the husband said, "Well no wonder you don't have any teeth, look at the shape your gums are in."


X-Mas Gifts ...

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the @$$hole goes BEHIND the horse, not on top."


Howdy ...

A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"


My Resume ...

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB. Man do I enjoy it !!!!


A Man's Random Thoughts ...

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell Disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"
As she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
Screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous Brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this Country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.


Burma Shave ...

For those who never saw any of the BurmaShave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, BurmaShave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.

They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs,
about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising BurmaShave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMASHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
BurmaShave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
BurmaShave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
BurmaShave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
BurmaShave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
BurmaShave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
BurmaShave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
BurmaShave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
BurmaShave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
BurmaShave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
BurmaShave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
BurmaShave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
BurmaShave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
BurmaShave

Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...


A Drunk ...

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby.

The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground.

The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground.

Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his wheelchair?"



Eight Ways To Say, "Your Fly Is Open" ...

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. You've got Windows in your laptop.

3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Sailor Ned it trying to take a little shore leave.

7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.



Why I had to change hotels last week ...

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."



The Smartphone Poem ... (You can share it with your parents, grandparents, etc.)

My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.

Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.

TV and Weather and Internet, too.

There's just no limits to what it can do.

Check my blood pressure and my temperature

Without even probing all my apertures.

I now know the time in Paris or Greece.

I can track the migration of thousands of geese

Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.

Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?

A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots

Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).

Push this here button and take me a "selfie."

(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)

Email to pester with, video to shoot,

Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!

A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.

Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).

The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.

What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,

But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.

Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,

They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all ...

But how do I just simply make a phone call?



The Government Employee ...

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before.

"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared.

"Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me."

"Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."

He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again."

Instantly, he was back in his government office.



The First Jewish President ...

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"

Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20th, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."



Breaking It To The Wife ...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm so sorry, but someone stabbed your husband and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"

He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"

Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"

The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."


Two Old Men Visit A Cat-House ...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. She used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"


The Special Place...

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.

Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then, he noticed another couple over behind a tree. There was yet another couple doing the nasty behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel. Do you want to get in on the action, honey?" asked the madam.

"Nah. I’m good thanks,” he replied, “but I was just wondering what the heck is going on out here on the lawn.”

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today," said the madam.



Golf ...

A older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!



Grandma visits Victoria's Secret ...

Grandma went into a Victoria’s Secret store by accident but the saleslady convinced her to look around anyway. She did and asked the young lady what they had on sale. She showed the old lady the crotch-less panty aisle and assured her they would drive her husband wild if she wore nothing but them when he got home from work. So she bought them.

When old grandpa got home from work grandma was sitting at the top of the stairs wearing nothing but the crotch-less panties, with her legs spread. She called down to grandpa saying, "Hey daddy, you want some of this?" he looked up at her, and at her display and said, "Hell no! Look what it's done to your drawers!"



Feeding the Baby ...

A woman and a baby were in the pediatrician's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.. Breast-fed, "she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Then motioned for her to get dressed.

The doctor said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came."



New Words for 2021 ...

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm



Horsing Around ...

Three race horses in adjoining stalls were arguing over which of them was the best.

“Of my last sixteen races, I’ve won eleven,” said the first horse.

“Not bad,” said the second horse. “But of my last twenty races, I’ve won fifteen.”

“Impressive,” said the third horse. “But of my last twenty-eight races, I’ve won twenty-five.”

A greyhound who was lurking nearby overheard the horses arguing and decided to join the conversation.
“I don’t mean to brag,” said the greyhound, “but of my last forty-six races, I’ve won forty-four.”

The horses were clearly astonished. After a long silence, one of the horses said in an awestruck voice, “Wow! A talking dog!



Up the River ...

An anthropologist wanted to study the members of a remote jungle tribe. He hired a native guide with a canoe to take him to his destination and serve as interpreter.

As they travelled up the river, they heard drums in the distance. The anthropologist asked his guide, “What do those drums mean?”

The guide replied, “Drums okay. Drums not bad. But very bad when they stop.”

As they traveled the drums grew louder. The anthropologist became nervous, but the guide repeated, “Drums okay. Drums not bad. But when drums stop, then very bad.”

On they travelled, the anthropologist growing more apprehensive by the minute. Then suddenly the drums stopped. Panic stricken, the anthropologist said to the guide, “The drums stopped! What now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “Guitar solo.”



A Blonde in Louisiana ...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"



Frozen Skunk ...

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out
to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.



Bored of Education ...

A young man, fresh out of college, reported for his first day of work at a grocery store.

The manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake, then handed him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the stockroom.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” protested the young man.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said the manager. “I had no idea. Here, give me the broom, and I’ll show you how it’s done.”

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

A college student told his professor that he would have to miss a scheduled exam because of a funeral. The professor expressed his sympathy, and told the student he could take it the following week.

But the next week the student once again missed the exam, due to another funeral. The professor told him he would have to take it the following week.

“I’ll take it next week if no one dies,” said the student.

“How is it that so many people you know have died in such a short time?” asked the professor.

“I don’t know any of these people,” said the student. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

The dean of admissions at an agricultural college was interviewing a prospective student.

“What made you choose farming as a career?” asked the dean.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, just like my father,” replied the student.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” said the dean.

“No,” said the student. “But he always dreamed of it.”



Grandpa Was Audited ...

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!



Girlfriends Day Out ...

A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the waiters there were so handsome.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because the food and wine were so good.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it had the nicest restrooms.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View because they had never been there before.


Questions ...

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?



Back In The Saddle Again ...

A cowboy rode into a small town in Oklahoma and stopped at a saloon for a beer. What he didn’t know was that the locals had a habit of playing pranks on strangers. When he finished his beer and went outside, he found that his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the saloon, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head, fired a shot into the ceiling, and yelled, “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”

No one answered.

“All right, I’m gonna have another beer,” said the cowboy. “If my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”

The cowboy had another beer, and when he went outside, his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and got ready to ride out of town.

The saloon keeper came outside and said, “Say, pardner, before you go — what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy said, “I had to walk home.”



Henry and Alice Go To Heaven ...

Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing together just outside the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“This is heaven,” said St. Peter. “You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads and rolls, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” Henry asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “In heaven, you can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get fat and you’ll never get sick.”

“No gym to work out at?” Henry asked.

“Not unless you want to,” St. Peter replied.

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”



All In A Day's Work ...

One morning Mrs. Green’s dishwasher stopped working. She called a repairman, who told her he could stop by that afternoon at one o’clock.

“There won’t be anyone home then, but I’ll leave the front door unlocked,” she said. “There’s just one thing you need to know. My dog won’t bother you, but do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

The repairman arrived at the house that afternoon and went to the kitchen. There he found a parrot in a cage by the window, and an enormous bulldog lying in the corner. Feeling a little nervous, he went to work.

As promised, the dog left him alone, but the parrot was another matter. It kept up a constant stream of ear-splitting screeches, taunts, and insults, until the repairman couldn’t take it any longer. Finally he yelled, “Shut up, you stupid bird!”

The parrot stopped its screeching and said calmly, “Get him, Spike!”



Play Ball! ...

Two baseball lovers, George and Fred, had been friends all their lives. As children they’d played in Little League together, as teenagers they’d been on their high school team, as grown men they’d played in their church league, and as retirees they spent their summers watching baseball games together on TV or at the park.

When both men were very old, Fred began to feel his life slipping away from him. One day George asked Fred a favor.

“Sure, old pal,” said Fred.

“Fred,” said George, “when you get to heaven, you have to let me know if they have baseball there.”

“George, I promise you, if there’s any way I can do what you’re asking, I will.”

Fred died soon afterward. After the funeral, George went home and sat down in an armchair, and soon he fell asleep. He was awakened by a blinding light, and heard a voice calling his name.

“Who is it?” George asked, frightened.

“George, it’s okay. It’s me, Fred.”

“Fred! Is it really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven. I have some good news for you, and some bad news. Which do you want first?”

“Give me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there’s baseball in heaven! And all of our old buddies who died before us are here! And we’re all young again! And every day is warm and sunny! And we can play baseball all day long without ever getting tired!”

Naturally, George was overjoyed.

“That’s wonderful!” he said. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is you’re pitching Tuesday.”



Bar Jokes For English Majors ...

❧ A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

❧ A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

❧ An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

❧ Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

❧ A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

❧ Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

❧ A question mark walks into a bar?

❧ A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

❧ Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

❧ A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

❧ A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

❧ Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

❧ A synonym strolls into a tavern.

❧ At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

❧ A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

❧ Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

❧ A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

❧ An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles’ heel.

❧ The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

❧ A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

❧ The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

❧ A dyslexic walks into a bra.

❧ A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

❧ An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

❧ A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

❧ A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

❧ A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.



Advice for married men ...

by guest columnist Herb Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts supper. But I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up as soon as she has supper on the table.

Here’s another example: Peggy used to clear the table and wash the dishes as soon as we’d finished eating, but nowadays it’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for an hour or two. I do what I can to help by diplomatically reminding her that the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves. I know she appreciates this, and it does seem to motivate her to get them cleaned up and put away before she goes to bed.

Another thing that happens as women age is that they complain a lot more. For instance, Peggy complains that it’s hard for her to find time to pay all the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile patiently and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days, so she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch every now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Aging also affects women’s stamina. When doing even simple jobs, Peggy seems to think she needs breaks. Recently, for instance, she said she needed a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. But I didn’t make a scene. I just told her to make herself a nice big glass of lemonade and sit down for a few minutes, and as long as she was making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too. I know that I probably seem like a saint for the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older. But if you use just a little more tact and a little less anger when dealing with your wife as a result of reading this article, then I will consider the time it took me to write it well spent. After all, we’re put on this earth to help each other.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, Herb died shortly after completing this article. The coroner’s report listed the cause of death as a perforated rectum. According to police testimony, Herb was found with a Callaway Big Bertha II Driver jammed up his rear end. His wife Peggy was charged with homicide. The all-female jury took fifteen minutes to arrive at a verdict of not guilty, accepting Peggy’s defense that her husband somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.)



Go For The Juggler ...

A juggler on her way to a performance got pulled over for driving too fast. The cop was startled when he saw some of the juggler’s props lying on the front seat of her car.

“What are those machetes doing in your car?” asked the cop.

“I juggle them as part of my act, officer,” the juggler replied.

The cop was skeptical. “Oh, yeah?” he said. “Let’s see you do it.”

The juggler obligingly got out of her car and started juggling the machetes by the side of the road. A guy who happened to be driving by slowed down to watch the spectacle.

When the man got home, he said to his wife, “Am I ever glad I gave up drinking! You wouldn’t believe the test they’re giving now!”



Waste Nothing ...

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants
her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."



Play on Words ...

A young beer connoisseur decides to treat himself to the trip of a lifetime and books a weeklong stay in Tighnabruaich, a tiny hamlet in Scotland known for its fine breweries.

Upon arriving to his Inn, he stashes his belongings, puts on a cap made of fox fur (complete with full foxtail brim) and tours the little town.

He spends his days exploring the town and breweries, and each night he sits at the central pub, relishing pint after pint of his favorite brew... and each night, the locals grow more curious about the yankee with the strange hat.

Finally, on the third night, a local approaches the young man, and after some introductions asks about his unusual hat.

"Oh this?" says the young man, "Well you know, I was very excited when I booked this trip, so I just had to tell everyone I was going to Tighnabruaich... and, well, its the darndest thing, simply everyone had the same response, 'Wearthefoxhat?'"



Gentle Thoughts ...

Gentle thoughts for today...

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.-

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
I've always had trouble with the 2nd part!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."


A Virgin's Desire ...

A Chinese couple decide to get married: He's the owner of a restaurant; and she's a young beautiful virgin, but quite bashful. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband quickly undresses.

He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be very sensitive and reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time and you are very frightened... I promise you, I will do anything you want, I will give you anything you want. What is your most secret desire?"

She looks deeply into his eyes and says, "I want number 69."

Quite surprised at her request, he says, "You want beef with broccoli?"