casual flight. the pilot announces over the speaker system: dear passengers, this is your capitain speaking. our flight today is going normally, we are currently on 11800 meters altitude, travelling with 850 km/h.
outside temperature is -47 deg...AWWWW OUCH EWWW OWWWWW!!!... and silence...
dear passengers, this is again your capitain speaking. i appologize for this interruption but the stuardess came in with hot beverages for the crew and there was a slight bump and she threw accidently a cup of hot coffee in my lap...
you should see the front of my trousers...
a passenger cries out:
and you sould see the rear of mine!!!
two guys meet.
hey, dude. how's it going?
how are the kids?
they are doing allright.
how's the wife?
how's the job?
listen, can i borrow a 1000$?
you see, kiss my shoulder, man.
why the shoulder?
well you also started from a distance...
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little old, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........
[h=3]I was going to tell you a joke about cattle[/h][FONT="]But you probably have herd it before
[h=3]A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch[/h]Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:
"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. If I find one, I'll send a telegram you so that you can come and pick him up with the big truck"
The brunette heads into town and finds a suitable bull for the ranch at $999 and buys it. With $1 left, she heads over to the telegram office and asks the clerk:
- How much is it to send a telegram?
- Well hi there ma'am, our telegrams come at a cost of $1 per word.
- Ok, I only have $1 and I let to need my friend know that she can come and pick our new bull with the truck.
The brunette thinks for a minute and says:
- OK, here's the word I want you to send: "COMFORTABLE".
- Comfortable? Are you sure, ma'am?
- Oh yeah, she reads REAL slow.
A man in his 40's bought a new Volkswagen Eos and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Volkswagen Eos," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer
Two guys, classmates from the high school meet. Both in college now.
One asks the other about his studies.
Well, we study logic, psychology and philosophy now.
It’s all the same man, what’s the difference?
Let me explain it to you:
You meet two guys: a clean one and a dirty one-who will take a bath?
The dirty one!
Nope. The clean one. Because he is used to do this. That’s psychology.
So, same condition, you again meet two guys-clean and dirty. Who will bathe?
The clean one!
Nope. The dirty one, because he’s dirty. That’s logic!
And for a third time you have same question: clean and dirty one. Who will bathe?
The f*ck do I know anymore!
A! That my friend is philosophy...!