... it was funny to me....

leon_buff said:

Some people actually drink brake fluid instead of alcohol.
I saw it. They separate it somehow

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vreihen said:

Two nuns were driving in a jeep through a desolate section of Australia. It was hot; the sun was beating down; the sisters were tired, and they were running out of water. Right in the middle of a tiny settlement, their painful progress was halted by a huge flock of sheep right in front of the saloon, blocking the road.

The driver honked the horn, but no sheep moved. She honked again, with the same result. Once more: nothing. So she pressed as hard and long as she could. At that time, a drunk staggered out of the saloon and shouted at the nun: "Knock off that horn, sister. Ya blowing ya goddam top ain't gonna move them sheep. Now let me get back to my bottle!"

The rider looked at the driver and said, "You're a nun, a woman of God. He shouldn't talk to you that way! Show him your cross."

The driver climbed out of the jeep, adjusted her habit, spat on the ground, and bellowed: "Listen, you miserable, disrespectful drunk SOB, we're hot, tired, and pissed. You either move those sheep so we can pass, or I'll come over there and whip your arse!"

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vreihen: Not quite the "Ocker" vernacular, but a damn fine effort nevertheless!!!

Wikipedia said:

The term "ocker" is used both as a noun and adjective for an Australian who speaks and acts in a rough and uncultivated manner, using a broad Australian accent. The typical ocker is "usually found in a blue singlet and rubber thongs with a tinnie in his hand propping up a bar".

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Note: "rubber thong" isn't what you're thinking!

Don

PS: saloon=pub
SOB=DSSST (Dirty, slimy, scum sucking toad)? -not sure!.
"whip your arse"= "Shove my hand up your arse and rip your tonsils out? (not sure!)

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty that had been created for swimming when it was first dug out, so he fixed it up really nice, adding picnic tables, horse shoe courts, a barbecue pit, etc.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond ... I only came to feed my alligators!"

do you know why the toilet paper got 3 plies? one ply goes directly to the IRS...

Who knew that The Stig had a wife and two kids?????

A DC-10 had come in a little hot, and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

One afternoon, an engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also an engineering student, who said, "Wow! That sure is a great bike. Where did you get it?"

"Well, the darndest thing happened," said the first engineering student. "A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted."

"Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great. Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

vreihen said:

One afternoon, an engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also an engineering student, who said, "Wow! That sure is a great bike. Where did you get it?"

"Well, the darndest thing happened," said the first engineering student. "A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted."

"Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great. Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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Vreihen: it's been many many years since I was an "engineering student", but I can't see the joke - either option seems like a perfectly logical choice to me - what am I Missing?

Don

You're missing testosterone, apparently.

1) Take the girl's clothes.

2) Take the bicycle.

3) TAKE THE GIRL -- right there on the grass in the middle of the commons.

Seems like a no-brainer to every horny college boy, or at least the ones who aren't engineering majors anyway.....

^^^^^^

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man "what's wrong".

"I feel terrible", he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM".

The blonde says,"Don't worry". She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can"? "What did you spray on the Easter Bunny"?

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)

It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave".

A guy recently put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. He wrote, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"

Next thing you know, 4,000 fscking Muslims have added him as a friend!

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A nun gets into a taxi cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Costume party."

"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.

Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno

vreihen said:

Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno

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I think that's closer to $50 trillion than $50 billion.

Uwe said:

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can confirm

On my drive to work this morning, I saw the local obligatory Prius at a traffic light. It had the usual hippie collection of bumper stickers on the rear end. On the drivers side rear window, there was one solitary sticker. You would think that a Prius would reject an NRA life membership sticker like a black-market organ transplant, but somehow this car's owner got it to stick.....

vreihen said:

On my drive to work this morning, I saw the local obligatory Prius at a traffic light. It had the usual hippie collection of bumper stickers on the rear end. On the drivers side rear window, there was one solitary sticker. You would think that a Prius would reject an NRA life membership sticker like a black-market organ transplant, but somehow this car's owner got it to stick.....

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This car wasn't by chance from New Hampshire or Vermont, was it? Those states, especially the latter, are kinda known for hippies with guns; hence Bernie not being completely in the Graboid camp...